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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28740114">The Bitter(sweet) Taste of You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonluster/pseuds/Moonluster'>Moonluster</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The "Bittersweet" Saga [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Yu-Gi-Oh! GX</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>20-something-year old characters, ADHD Judai, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BPD and Social Anxiety Misawa, Bullying, Crying, Drama, Drunk Texting, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Homophobia, I Made Myself Cry, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Men Crying, Not Canon Compliant, Serious Talks, adult life and drama, alcohol mention, alcohol use, bisexual Misawa, brief mention of potential character death, deeply personal topics weaved into this fic please be nice when commenting, drunk Judai, first work for this pairing, friends who grew distant then reunited, gay Judai, homophobia-fueled bullying, internalized cisheternormativity, longfic (kinda), math professor Daichi Misawa, professional duelist Judai Yuki, rarepair fic, time set in the late-2000s, tutorshipping, vent fic (kinda)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 07:15:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>22,148</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28740114</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonluster/pseuds/Moonluster</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Rating for alcohol mention, homophobia (internal and societal), various mental illnesses, and bullying. </p><p>Misawa’s life was going just fine until Judai dropped back into it unexpectedly. </p><p>Judai’s life could be arguably better with Misawa back in it. </p><p>Both are dancing around their shared past while trying to live in the present, and Misawa has a secret he’s been keeping from Judai. </p><p>Judai is desperate to find out what it is. </p><p>Forgiveness is a funny thing; especially when it shows up drunk out of its mind, on your front doorstep. </p><p>(previously published but then deleted for editing)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Misawa Daichi | Bastion Misawa/Yuuki Juudai | Jaden Yuki</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The "Bittersweet" Saga [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2174202</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Bittersweet Reunion</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Huge hugs and thanks to Life_or_Death for always supporting me and indulging me in all my Tutorshipping endeavors! Thank you for all your encouragement as I've gone through hell with this piece! Please go read zer series': "Jaden's TikTok Adventures" and "Paradigm of Love"! They're both fantastic! </p><p>The idea of Misawa having Borderline Personality Disorder is credited to sadifura from their piece, "medicine (or, solidarity between two mentally ill people)"! I wish I could tell you just how much that whole piece meant to me. T_T</p><p>Anyway, enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The day was like any other; Misawa was getting lunchtime coffee from the corner coffee shop a couple of blocks from Domino City University for himself and his coworkers. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Caramel macchiato, black with sugar, decaf with vanilla and cream... </em>
</p><p><br/>
Little was he expecting a blast from his past. Someone he hadn’t been expecting to show up in his life <em>ever </em>again. </p><p> </p><p>“Misawa? Is that <em> you</em>?”<br/>
<br/>
The voice that called to him shook him from his noon-sleep state, a jolt erupting in his chest.</p><p> </p><p>He turned toward the voice, and there he was: <em> Judai Yuki</em>. In all his sunny, bright, shining glory. </p><p> </p><p>He paced toward Misawa, toting a heavy bag over his shoulder. He donned a red jacket that lit up the area--grabbing everyone’s attention, including Misawa’s. </p><p> </p><p>He could hardly believe what he was seeing...and hearing.<br/>
<br/>
Misawa was unable to stop the smile that broke across his face, “Judai! It’s been a while...a <em> long </em>while. I haven’t seen you since...well.”<br/>
<br/>
Darkness shrouded his heart. Misawa remembered how long it’d been. </p><p> </p><p><em> 5 years. </em> </p><p> </p><p>Judai placed his bag at his feet, then grinned with a wink (and unless it was Misawa's imagination, he seemed to have given him a quick lookover, too), “lookin’ good, Number Two! What’re you doing here?”<br/>
<br/>
Misawa’s ears warmed at the nickname. </p><p> </p><p>“Getting coffee...as you see. I work nearby.”<br/>
<br/>
While he was happy to speak to Judai after so long, something like sadness, and...guilt crept into the corners of his heart. Looking at Judai right now was like uncovering a forgotten, cursed artifact.<br/>
<br/>
Judai’s brow raised, “oh, really? What do you do now?”<br/>
<br/>
He didn’t let Misawa answer before he approached the counter, leaning on it as he gave his order--an energy drink made into an Italian Soda.<br/>
<br/>
Judai chatted up the barista, who smiled and laughed as he spoke. </p><p> </p><p>Once the transaction finished, he autographed the end of his receipt and tore it off, giving it back to the barista with a wink, who giggled--cheeks pinkened. </p><p> </p><p>Misawa wondered if he should leave (which sounded like a <em> great </em>idea right now), but before he had the chance, Judai’s attention was back on him.</p><p> </p><p>“You left Duel Academia after the first year...so I don’t know what you’ve been doing since then.” </p><p> </p><p>Misawa nodded, replying coolly, “I’m a professor at Domino City University. I teach advanced mathematics and beginner’s astronomy.”<br/>
<br/>
Judai grinned quietly as he took a sip of his drink through his straw, then piped up, “you were always a whiz at things like that. Would’ve gotten you in the big leagues as a Pro Duelist.”<br/>
<br/>
Misawa internally bristled at the statement but kept his face neutral. </p><p> </p><p>“You’re one yourself, right?” Misawa asked, though he already knew the answer.<br/>
<br/>
Of <em>course, </em>Judai was a Pro. It was what he’d set out to do when he attended Duel Academia, and unlike <em>himself</em>, he’d succeeded at it. </p><p> </p><p>Or, at least, he’d been <em>allowed </em>to succeed...<br/>
<br/>
Now, he traveled the world over, claiming victory after victory; cool, confident, and in control. Smiling, even in the face of potential defeat. <br/>
<br/>
It was embarrassinghow much Misawa paid attention to Judai’s career. On top of any and all Pro Duelist magazines, Duel News Network headlines and pieces featuring the bright, shining brunet, he <em>also </em>guiltily indulged in the gossip tabloids written about him. </p><p> </p><p>(Apparently, over the course of those two years, there had been a few alleged cases of Judai getting romantically involved with the other Pro Duelists; all men.)<br/>
<br/>
If anyone knew, they might venture to say he’s obsessed. Misawa knew better though, or at least...he always found a way to justify it.<br/>
<br/>
“Yup!” Judai exclaimed, straightening his posture and puffing his chest, “I’ve been just about everywhere! China, Russia, America, France, Italy...all those places.” </p><p> </p><p>“That’s impressive. I’m sure you’ve seen a lot of neat things.” Misawa acted interested, though honestly, he wished he was back to the school by now. He could feel time slipping away as he stood idle.<br/>
<br/>
“I have! I could show you pictures if you’d like to see them.”<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Misawa checked the watch on his left wrist, realizing it was half an hour until he had to be back to teach the next set of classes, “ah...perhaps another time. I have to return to school.” </p><p> </p><p>Plus, his peaceful existence had been disturbed, and he wanted to be away from the source of the disturbance as soon as possible. </p><p> </p><p>Judai frowned, but recovered with a beaming smile, “oh, that’s okay, then! How about we exchange phone numbers?”<br/>
<br/>
He was already digging his phone out of his pocket, and Misawa internally sighed, realizing he didn’t have much of a choice.<br/>
<br/>
“It’s always nice to hear from an old friend.”<br/>
<br/>
As Judai said it, they exchanged a look, something passing between them like forbidden knowledge.</p><p> </p><p>Misawa was the first to break the stare--which was, in reality, a fragment of a moment, but to him, a decade passed. </p><p> </p><p>“Sure.” </p><p><br/>
After a minute, they had their respective numbers saved in one another’s contact list. Misawa considered deleting it after this encounter, but something in the back of his mind told him he shouldn’t.<br/>
<br/>
<em> I had this planned out. You weren’t supposed to come back. I made </em>sure <em>of it</em>.</p><p> </p><p>“Anyway, I gotta go too,” Judai picked up his bag and threw it over his shoulder, giving Misawa another smile and wink.<br/>
<br/>
“It was awesome seeing you again! Shoot me a text whenever ya want; no promise I’ll answer immediately, but I’ll always see it.”<br/>
<br/>
The words warmed Misawa, but they were cruel and cutting at the same time.<br/>
<br/>
“It was good to see you, Judai. I’d like that, I think.” </p><p> </p><p>He <em>hated </em>the way he sounded; as if he <em>longed </em>for it. The longing had no right being there.</p><p> </p><p>Wistfully, he watched as Judai left, waving back when Judai waved his goodbye. </p><p> </p><p>It might as well have been ‘hello’.<br/>
<br/>
He was late to his class as a result and hadn’t gotten to eat his lunch--or drink his coffee--so by the time he went home for the day, he was irritated and hungry.</p><p> </p><p>His heart wasn’t much better. It’d ached in the pit of his chest the entire day since the thorny encounter with Judai. At one point, one of his students asked after class if he was alright.<br/>
<br/>
Of course, he insisted that he was fine--"just a bit tired”. </p><p> </p><p>It was a lie. He <em>wasn’t </em>fine. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Far from it.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>As he went about his usual after-school routine, thoughts, memories, and feelings lingered, strayed, and struck him each in their turn.<br/>
<br/>
Thoughts of what Judai had said and done, memories of his time in Duel Academia, the ambivalence of joy, pain, sorrow, grief, longing...<br/>
<br/>
Seeing Judai had unraveled him in a way he hadn’t been in a while. Everything he’d considered dead suddenly resurrected, with a fang of revenge that stabbed him until he was bleeding memories and emotions all over.<br/>
<br/>
It was unfortunate the self-torture continued, even as he was about to go to sleep--where he would <em>hopefully </em>be rid of it all.<br/>
<br/>
This time, it was Judai himself who provided the fang in which he was to be sliced open. </p><p><br/>
‘hey, are u still up? :P’ </p><p> </p><p>Timestamp: 11:36 PM. </p><p> </p><p>Misawa considered putting his phone in his closet so he wouldn’t be tempted to answer. What business did Judai have to <em>barge </em>into his life after he’d crafted the fallout of their relationship?<br/>
<br/>
Yet...it was like he was possessed by the ghost of himself. The Daichi Misawa who adored--and, on some level, <em> still </em>adores--Judai. The Daichi Misawa who couldn’t hold onto something good and beautiful if it were staring him lovingly in the eyes. </p><p> </p><p>The Traitor, Daichi Misawa.</p><p><br/>
The logical, adult part of him knew it was stupid to harbor resentment toward Judai.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He called me by our old nickname..."Number Two”... </em>
</p><p> </p><p>However, Judai was “Number One” in every way possible. It’d been proven back then, and it was obvious that afternoon. </p><p> </p><p>He didn’t know whether to be happy or bitter at this notion.</p><p> </p><p>All of this aside, he went against his better judgment and answered the text. </p><p> </p><p>‘Haha, yeah I am. :) Being a professor means late-night work.’<br/>
<br/>
He put the cellphone on his bedside table, stretched, and took several minutes of meditative deep breaths. Misawa was a man of habit, and he was <em>not </em>going to allow Judai to mess it up more than he already had. </p><p><br/>
The phone didn’t vibrate for some time, not until Misawa was lying in bed, ambivalently hoping Judai would reply. </p><p> </p><p>Sure as anything, Judai <em>did</em>. Misawa despised himself for how swiftly he reached for his phone.<br/>
<br/>
The text read: ‘nighttime buddies! XD I also stay up late to build decks. doing that rn, actually. What r u doin? ;D’</p><p> </p><p>‘Laying in bed. About to sleep. :)’ </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> This is stupid. What am I doing?  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>‘wish that was me! get some good sleep 4 me, k? (- 3 o)’<br/>
<br/>
What kind of emoticon was <em>that?</em> Misawa stared at it for longer than he’d like to admit, trying to figure it out. At last, he interpreted it as a winking, kissy face. </p><p> </p><p>“He has a weird way of texting...” Misawa murmured, warmth blossoming in his cheeks.</p><p> </p><p>‘Do you have a tournament coming up?’ </p><p> </p><p>Misawa was nearly asleep by the time the reply came. </p><p> </p><p>His eyes were bleary while he reached for the phone, acutely aware he was ruining his sleep routine.<br/>
<br/>
When his eyes finally focused, he found a lengthier reply than the other ones. </p><p> </p><p>‘yea, this next 1 is gonna b rly intense. It’s the final 1 of the season-a wk of dueling with hundreds of ppl, and in DC (Domino City)! Thunder, Shou, Asuka, Kaiser, and Fubuki are even gonna be in this 1! haven’t seen them in a while.<br/>
btw, I’m rly glad I saw you 2day. may b we can all have a reunion??? oh, and u should watch the tournament! Each match is gonna b live on tv and the net 2! watch the ones where I’m on. and shou, thunder, asuka, kaiser, and fubuki, 2! ttyl l8er :DDD’</p><p> </p><p>Misawa didn’t remember typing a reply or putting the phone down. </p><p> </p><p>Sleep had finally claimed him, and he was at last temporarily liberated from all this.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Ghosts of the Past, Come to Life</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>From that day on, the texts were sparse, but Misawa didn’t mind. Like clockwork, though; every time he had a free moment, he was watching the tournament Judai had mentioned. </p><p> </p><p>At first, Judai didn’t appear in many of the duels, but as the days went on, his dueling presence became more and more frequent, as well as the others--Jun (Thunder), Shou, Ryo (Kaiser), Asuka, and Fubuki.<br/><br/></p><p>The mere sight of Judai’s optimism and confidence filled him with the same, even though he couldn’t do it with as much bravado--he’d been like that back then but not so much now. </p><p> </p><p>At one point during the afternoon lunchtime break, one of the professors turned on the television and tuned into the channel where the tournament was being broadcast. </p><p> </p><p>Misawa called for Judai’s victory with such vigor that one of his work friends made a lighthearted comment; something like, “you’re a big fan, aren’t you?” </p><p> </p><p>He quickly explained, “no, I’m not. The way he duels fills me with energy. I think anyone would feel the same, watching him.”</p><p> </p><p>Unfortunately, by the time Misawa had time to watch the duels, they were recaps on the key plays, detailing what got Judai his win. Misawa enjoyed it well enough, but this wasn’t what he <em>really </em>wanted. </p><p> </p><p>He wanted those beautiful shots of Judai’s fresh--and dare he said it--handsome face. </p><p> </p><p><em> I’m allowed to think that, right? </em> </p><p><br/>On top of all this, Judai still found the time to text Misawa at ungodly hours of the night, and he read them when he awoke the next morning like it were the newspaper.</p><p> </p><p>Shameful as it was, each text was a rush, like the way caffeine hits you after the first few sips of coffee. It was <em>addicting</em>. </p><p> </p><p>At one point, Misawa wondered why he was doing this. Was he trying to assuage an untended wound he’d missed? Or was he trying to absolve himself of his guilt?  </p><p> </p><p>He enjoyed feeling low and high at the same time. Wondering, on one end, why Judai would even take the time to talk to him, considering <em>everything </em>...yet on the other, glad he would. </p><p> </p><p>Yet this, what Judai was doing...teasing him with the crumbs of their past, stirring old feelings of adoration, was <b>obsessive</b>.<br/><br/></p><p>...<br/><br/>Once the week-long tournament came to a close--which saw Judai’s win, with the Kaiser and Jun right behind him in 2nd and 3rd, respectively, Misawa decided it was time to end the charade; stop pretending he had any value or place in Judai’s life. </p><p> </p><p>So, the following Sunday afternoon, he put all the magazines, tabloids, and newspapers that involved Judai’s name into the trash bin. </p><p> </p><p>Yes, he’d been collecting, like some crazed fan. </p><p> </p><p><em> As if I hadn’t been his first... </em><br/><br/>However, he was stopped by finding old, printed photos in a spare box that’d been labeled “precious things” in black permanent marker at some point, long ago. The photos had been taken by a Kodak film roll camera. </p><p> </p><p>It’d taken Misawa forever to get them printed after his departure from the school--mostly because he knew he’d find Judai in them.<br/><br/>It was a small collection, made up of roughly 50 pictures. They were filled with happy; sometimes silly, faces. He laughed at his dorky teenage self in some of them, including one where he was wearing cat ears (called “tiger ears” by the group), face buried in his hands as the others gathered around him with frozen grins and laughter, captured in one moment on his 16th birthday. </p><p> </p><p>The last picture in this haunted collection was one Judai had taken; a crude self-portrait with both of them in the shot. Their cheeks were touching and pink, with smiles on their faces.<br/><br/></p><p>Misawa couldn't remember what the context of the photo was, but was overcome with the urge to throw it in the garbage along with the rest of the things he’d collected. </p><p> </p><p>He took a deep breath and shook his head, then gathered the photos up, tying them together with a rubber band--even the picture he wanted to throw away. </p><p><br/>Maybe he’d get a photo album and put them in there, for memory’s sake. </p><p> </p><p><em> Yes...that’s where </em>he <em>belongs...in my </em>memory<em>. Nothing more.  </em></p><p> </p><p>...</p><p> </p><p>A few hours later, he was standing proudly before the dumpster and recycling bins in the parking lot of the apartment complex, hands on his hips and grinning. He felt like he’d finally defeated himself, and by extension, Judai. </p><p> </p><p>Yet, such pleasant feelings would be short-lived, because Judai was texting him. </p><p> </p><p>He sat on the sofa, cell phone in his palm; unopened. He considered what to do. He wouldn’t answer--that wasn’t a question. Judai would have to learn to live without him. Again.</p><p> </p><p>Even <em>if </em>he deleted Judai’s number, the texts would still come through. Blocking would be too harsh. </p><p> </p><p>Well, not any harsher than what he’d done back then. It was <em>kind</em>, in comparison. </p><p> </p><p>While he deliberated, his cell phone incessantly vibrated in his palm. </p><p> </p><p>He growled under his breath and flipped it open.<br/><br/><em> Several </em>texts. All from Judai. </p><p> </p><p>Misawa could tell he was distressed--even drunk? Because his normally horrid shortening of words into acronyms was somehow even worse. He could barely make out what Judai was saying. </p><p><br/>The texts had been sent during the time Misawa had been cleaning his apartment, starting at 7 PM. </p><p> </p><p>3 hours ago: ‘hey,,,i’m @ (the name of some kind of bar),,,im w/shou &amp; al them guyss. We r celevting (celebrating) thye tourn (tournament),,,may b u could com down n and met (meet) themm? we need to ctch (catch) up ;DDD,,,’<br/><br/>15 minutes later (after the initial text): ‘nmbr 2 r u there??? i dnt see u and u didnt rep ly. Busy w/school on a sun??’</p><p> </p><p>An hour later: hy (hey--it was getting worse now),,,,,idk wht’s (what’s) up bt i rly wann a tlk (talk) 2 u. im kind drunkk so myb (maybe) l8r,,,</p><p> </p><p>2 hours later: ‘mis ru md (mad) @ mee?? Itss nvr (never) takeen thi s long4 u 2 rply (reply)’ </p><p> </p><p>(Misawa cursed himself for feeding Judai’s feelings as much as Judai was feeding him in their twisted game, because Judai had come to <em> expect </em> the swift replies from him.)</p><p> </p><p>30 minutes ago: ‘mis im sry. idk wat i did butim srry. i miss u.’</p><p> </p><p>15 minutes ago, until the recent moment: </p><p><br/>‘mis’<br/>‘misawa’</p><p>‘misawy’</p><p>‘im srry’</p><p>‘nmbr 2’</p><p>‘i m cryin y rnt u rplyng’</p><p>‘pls ansr’</p><p> </p><p>Misawa growled under his breath, “I’m not a language professor and even <em> I </em>feel offended at this. You get a failing grade, Judai.” </p><p> </p><p><em> How dare he make me read this nonsense with my own eyes? </em> </p><p> </p><p>More importantly, how dare he contact him while he was trying to rid himself of his stupid feelings and bury the past again?<br/><br/><em> Apparently</em>, it wasn’t intent on staying there, and neither was Judai. </p><p><em><br/></em> <em> Do you want a reply? I’ll give you a reply </em>...</p><p> </p><p>‘I don’t know what you want from me or why you keep texting me, but it’s been over between us for years. I was meant for a different path than the rest of you, and that was the end of it. You know *why* this is.<br/>You were always better than me in every regard, and it was proven back then as it is now. No one wanted *Misawa Daichi* around the great *Yuki Judai*.<br/>I didn’t forget how people treated me, but apparently *you* did. I won’t go down that path again, and I won’t let you drag me back there.<br/>I did what I did for a reason, and it’s too bad that even after all this time, you can’t see it.<br/>I know what my place is, and you can at least stop trying to bring me back into your life. </p><p>So, do me a favor and don’t talk to me ever again after this. I don’t want to see you anymore, let this hurt the way it’s hurt these past 5 years. </p><p>Once you understand, I’m blocking your number. Don’t try to find me again. I don’t know how you managed to in the first place.</p><p>What we had is a memory. Let’s keep it that way. </p><p>Goodbye, Judai.’<br/><br/>With a sense of fateful hands guiding him, he sent it. At once he was awash with relief, grief, and sorrow. </p><p> </p><p>He tossed the cellphone aside and it landed with a soft ‘puff’ against the fleece sofa, sliding under one of the decorative pillows.<br/><br/>Truthfully, he wanted to open a window and throw it out onto the street below, where it would shatter; like the illusion he’d built in his head in the past week. However, since cell phones were expensive and he had too many valuable contacts in them, he didn’t. </p><p><br/>He held his head in his hands, fighting against tears. It was like the weight of this past week, the feelings he’d held onto for so long, were lifted. </p><p> </p><p>He could get used to the new sense of lightness. </p><p> </p><p>...</p><p> </p><p>...</p><p> </p><p>...</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Brr-brr. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>:3 </p><p>Dontcha just love it when your old "friend" drunk-texts you?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Retying Bonds Once Severed</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>At first, Misawa didn’t answer the text, but something possessed him to pick up the phone--was it the part of him that wanted to see a drunk Judai tripping over himself to comprehend what he said? Or, was it the stupid part of him grasping for any and all interaction he could get from Judai?<br/>
<br/>
Maybe it was both. </p><p> </p><p>In any case, Judai’s reply sent him into a spiral of panic. </p><p> </p><p>‘im comming over rn. Isaw wht u wrotte n i wnna tlk. whre do u liv?’<br/>
<br/>
<em> No. This is </em>not <em>happening!  </em></p><p> </p><p>This was the <em>last </em>thing he needed!</p><p> </p><p>He thought it over for a moment and concluded that, in any case, he might as well let Judai say his piece.</p><p> </p><p><em> I owe him </em>that <em>much, at least... </em> </p><p> </p><p>He gave Judai his address, hoping he didn’t lose his way, (while also hoping he did so he wouldn’t do this again), and sure as a stomach ache after getting bad milk in coffee, there was a knock at his door. </p><p> </p><p>It was soft at first, then pounding; insistent.<br/>
<br/>
Misawa stilled, heart, shaking his entire body in minute oscillations. </p><p> </p><p>He debated between letting Judai in or sitting in the dimly lit living room quietly until Judai <em>hopefully</em> went away.</p><p> </p><p>“M--Misawa! Are you home...? I’m here...” Judai whined, like a pitiful puppy.</p><p> </p><p>His sorrowed voice was too much for Misawa to take. </p><p> </p><p>He pushed himself off the sofa and made his way to the door, the beats of destiny rumbling in his core. Whatever was about to transpire was going to change his life. <em> Again. </em> </p><p> </p><p>Misawa placed a hand on the doorknob, adjusting his expression so it looked cool and neutral like in his text. </p><p> </p><p>He took a deep breath and sighed, then turned the knob with a fateful ‘click’. </p><p> </p><p>Upon finding Judai, his heart shattered.</p><p> </p><p>Judai was panting, wobbling on feet with glazed-over eyes and a deeply reddened face, his clothes and hair were out of sorts, and the way he usually shone--inside and out--was greatly diminished; as if someone had beat it out of him. </p><p> </p><p>Judai found Misawa’s eyes, gave a wobbly smile, and croaked, “thank goodness...it’s you.” </p><p> </p><p>“I...yes,” Misawa faltered. </p><p> </p><p>He looked like <em>shit</em>, for lack of a better phrase. </p><p> </p><p>Misawa was tempted to bring Judai out of the night, get him water, and a clean cloth to wipe his face. </p><p> </p><p>Even as they stood there, Misawa could <em> smell </em> the potent alcohol he’d been drinking </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> How much did he have to drink? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He didn’t have long to debate, because Judai stumbled face-first into his chest.</p><p> </p><p>He caught him and burned at the contact of Judai’s body against his. </p><p> </p><p>Heart racing but going into a quick-acting caretaker mode, he slipped his arms under the back of Judai’s knees and against his back, and carried him bridal-style to the sofa in his living room. </p><p><br/>
Judai moaned, squirming against Misawa’s hold, eyes watery, “Mis...Misawa...please, I need to--” </p><p> </p><p>“You’re drunk and need to rest. I’m glad you came here instead of...running around on the streets.” </p><p> </p><p>Even though Misawa resented Judai for pushing his boundaries, he couldn’t stand the thought of him--<em> especially </em>in this state--getting clipped by a car, or mugged, or killed. </p><p> </p><p>After all, Judai was a light many people in the dueling world looked to for guidance. He inspired them, filled them with joy, and was entertained by him. His death...would be a huge loss of talent and purpose in this otherwise dim world.</p><p> </p><p>Misawa placed Judai on the sofa in a sitting position. </p><p> </p><p>Judai whined against it, reaching for Misawa as he pulled away and catching one of his wrists. The skin there crackled with tiny sparks that rippled up Misawa’s arm and down his hand, and he froze.  </p><p> </p><p>He squeezed it with all he could muster, strength lacking from inebriation, “I...I came to tell you something. I don’t wanna leave until I do.” </p><p> </p><p>The way Judai was looking at him, the way he touched him, was enough to make Misawa’s entire being want to spontaneously combust. </p><p> </p><p>Despite how slobby the alcohol had made Judai, he was still strangely alluring. </p><p> </p><p>He slipped his wrist from Judai’s grip and shook his head, “you need to rest. I’m going to get you some water and a damp, cool cloth.” </p><p> </p><p>“No...don’t go, please!” Judai pleaded, nearly throwing himself off the sofa after Misawa when he went to leave for the kitchen. </p><p> </p><p>Misawa stopped, hearing the words and letting them worm their way into his heart. How many times had Judai said them? It was like he’d said the phrase a thousand times--practiced, yet genuine. </p><p> </p><p>He took a deep breath then sighed, turning back to Judai, “I’m just going to the kitchen. I promise you can tell me once you drink some water.” </p><p> </p><p>Judai stared at Misawa for a bit, then nodded and reclined against the backrest of the sofa, groaning. </p><p> </p><p>Misawa came back to Judai shortly, offering a glass of water and a small, cool, damp handcloth to him. </p><p> </p><p>Judai grabbed both carefully, drank the water--almost all of it at once--and wiped his face with the cloth. </p><p> </p><p>Misawa found a seat on the other sofa, dreading whatever was coming next. </p><p> </p><p>Once finished, Judai was staring right at him--like he was the only thing in the world he was focused on. </p><p> </p><p>Misawa averted his eyes as he brought a hand to the back of his neck, sighing, “well, you’re here now. What did you want to say to me?” </p><p> </p><p>Judai cleared his throat as if he were about to speak, but the words didn’t come, not for at least a minute--Misawa was quietly keeping an eye on his watch. </p><p> </p><p>“I...I saw your message. I don’t know where to start...” He played with his hands, not looking at Misawa. </p><p> </p><p>“I guess...I’m sorry I made you mad. I didn’t know you felt like that...it’s just...ever since that day, I’ve been confused, wondering what I did wrong and why you left. When I saw you...I thought...”--he took a long pause--"I thought, ‘there he is--'My Number One’. Where’s he been?’”</p><p> </p><p>Misawa sighed, rubbing his forehead with fingertips, “Judai, this is <em> exactly </em> why I didn’t want to see you.” </p><p> </p><p>Judai’s eyes snapped to Misawa and he bared his teeth--which startled him, “what did I do wrong? Why don’t you want anything to do with me?” </p><p> </p><p>Misawa put a palm against his forehead and closed his eyes, “it’s not...you.” </p><p> </p><p>“Then what is it?” Judai whined, and Misawa noticed his lower lip tremble as he looked on at Misawa with an indelible sadness in his eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Seeing this, Misawa couldn’t look back at Judai.<br/>
<br/>
<em> What can I say? What </em>could <em> I say? At least, any more than what I’ve already said? </em> </p><p> </p><p>“Judai...you have to know...what I did,” he swallowed back a lump forming in his throat, “I did it for both of us. Mostly for you.” </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t want to hear that,” Judai growled. </p><p> </p><p>“Please...you <em>have </em>to believe me,” he chanced a glance at Judai, then darted eyes away again. </p><p> </p><p>“...I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take the way people were looking at us back then--”</p><p> </p><p>Judai interrupted harshly, a strain of heartbreak in his voice, “I told you <em>multiple </em>times...it didn’t matter. Our friends...they were happy for us! My <em>mom </em>was...more accepting than I thought she’d be! She wanted to meet you...” </p><p> </p><p>Misawa found Judai, who’d lowered his head and was turned away. His heart clenched at the sight. </p><p> </p><p>Judai took a moment to breathe, then faced Misawa, “so, I guess I gotta know; did you even care about me back then?” </p><p> </p><p>His eyes were at once hit with a hot pressure. He <em>did</em>, that was never a question. It was the reason why he’d let him go: to save them both from agony. </p><p> </p><p><em> What a fantastic job I’ve done of </em> that<em>, </em> he thought sardonically. </p><p> </p><p>Misawa opened his mouth to speak but the words died on his tongue. </p><p> </p><p>He tried again, swallowing the knot in the back of it, “...of course I did.”</p><p><br/>
<br/>
“Then why?” Judai faltered, shuddering as he strangled a sob, tears streaming down his face. </p><p> </p><p>Even after all this time--through his drunkenness--Misawa thought his eyes were still brilliant and beautiful.</p><p> </p><p>He turned away yet again at the sight of it, leaning his head back and staring at the ceiling, trying to contain his own tears. </p><p> </p><p>He took a deep breath and sighed out, “because I was afraid.” </p><p> </p><p>Judai sniffled, rubbing at his eyes with the back of his wrist, “afraid of what?” </p><p> </p><p>“Everyone. The world. Of hurting you and making you miserable,” Misawa’s lips trembled and he pursed them to stop the shaking. </p><p> </p><p>“What...what do you mean?” </p><p> </p><p>“I mean exactly that,” Misawa replied forcefully, “I feared...us looking at our relationship 2, 3, 10 years later, where we lived together and stayed together, but there was nothing left. I was afraid you would secretly hate me because you weren’t able to live your life fully...that I’d held you back...” </p><p> </p><p>He squeezed his eyes shut and grit his teeth as he choked back a sob, hearing the pitiful strain in his own voice.</p><p> </p><p>“Misawa...I...” Judai started, but inhaled, overwhelmed by his emotions <em> and </em>Misawa’s, “I don’t know what made you think that...but it’s not true.” </p><p> </p><p>“Is it?” Misawa’s eyes were covered by a veil of tears and he wiped at them furiously. </p><p> </p><p>“After all,<em> everyone else </em>seemed to think so,” he sighed.</p><p> </p><p>Misawa grabbed his head with his hands, leaned over with elbows on his knees. Judai wobbled toward him, then sat next to him.</p><p> </p><p><em> “What are you doing with someone like </em> him? <em> ”  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The voice had been a girl’s--one of Obelisk Blue.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Another voice, male, Ra Yellow, “who’s the woman? Is it you? I can see it, even though your face is manlier than his.” </em> <em><br/>
<br/>
</em></p><p><em> Another accompanied, “hah! Imagine that--Daichi Misawa, </em> Dueling Genius<em>, being a wife to Judai Yuki!”  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “It’s so ridiculous I can’t even laugh!” Said the final voice.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>...</p><p> </p><p>Misawa shook as the replayed lashings of cruel words ripped him apart. </p><p> </p><p>He muttered, “...no one was going to accept it. Accept <em> me </em>.” </p><p> </p><p>He brought his hands away from his head, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before continuing, “I didn’t want that for you. You deserve to be with someone everyone likes.” </p><p> </p><p>“Misawa...I’m sorry that happened because of me. I should’ve been there to protect you...” Judai’s voice croaked, sliding next to him and tentatively taking a handful of the shirt on Misawa’s back.</p><p> </p><p>Misawa didn’t notice this and replied, void inside, “there was no protecting me, Judai. I was alone when it happened.” </p><p> </p><p>“Still...” Judai put his face against Misawa’s shoulder and stayed like that. </p><p> </p><p>After a few minutes of silence and simple breathing, Misawa began to calm down. </p><p> </p><p>He noticed Judai’s warmth and hand against him and knew he should move away, but he didn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to. </p><p> </p><p>Misawa finally turned to Judai with a sense of small affection and placed a hand on his shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>Judai idly glanced at it before returning his gaze, “even though it’s been 5 years...and I’m the one who messed this up...I’m willing to start over if you are? Make up for lost time?” </p><p> </p><p>Judai’s face broke into a smile, and for a moment Misawa recognized his usual brilliance and handsomeness returning, breaking through the curtain of drunkenness and emotion, “...yeah.” </p><p> </p><p>Misawa went to remove his hand from Judai’s shoulder and attempted to stand, but Judai caught him before he was able to pull away. </p><p> </p><p>Before he knew it, Judai grabbed both of his shoulders and pulled him toward him, crashing their lips together. </p><p> </p><p>Misawa’s breath stopped and his brain went static. His eyes were wide open, though saw nothing. Judai’s eyes were closed. </p><p> </p><p>Judai’s arms wrapped around the top of Misawa’s back and he brought him close, changing the angle of his kiss and pressed further into him.  </p><p> </p><p>Misawa’s eyes finally closed, and he instinctively pressed his lips back against Judai’s, gripping the shirt at his waist. </p><p> </p><p>The last time they’d kissed was all those years ago...and it was far different than Misawa remembered. </p><p> </p><p>There was something new, fiery,<em> passionate</em>, in Judai’s kiss. Back then, it was more innocent, less intense--like kissing for kissing’s sake. </p><p> </p><p>But this? There was a certain intention behind it.</p><p> </p><p>Misawa realized idly in the back of his mind that Judai was intending to do <em>one </em>thing. </p><p> </p><p>At this realization, a voice inside him screamed for this to stop; this was wrong for both of them, while the other was shrieking with joy, begging Judai to make him an absolute mess. </p><p> </p><p>The former voice began to overpower the situation. </p><p> </p><p>Then, he panicked; they’d skipped a million steps if this were to even be a<em> consideration </em>for them. They still had to put back the pieces of their friendship, and who knew how long <em>that </em>would take.</p><p> </p><p>Snaking his arms between their bodies, placing his palms flat against Judai’s chest, he pushed Judai, tearing himself away. </p><p> </p><p>A wet, airy sound ripped from their lips, and the sound that escaped Judai’s lips made Misawa want to die right there. </p><p> </p><p>Judai cried, tearing up, “Misa--” </p><p> </p><p>Misawa cut him off abruptly, finding his assertion despite the situation, “Judai...we <em>can’t</em>. Even <em> if </em>this were a possibility...we have so much more work to do with us, of recovering what we lost--” </p><p> </p><p>Judai cried, gripping the collar of Misawa’s t-shirt like a lifeline, “isn’t that what you said last time, too?! That we couldn’t be together...”<br/>
<br/>
Misawa pursed his lips, prying Judai’s fingers from his collar and pulling himself away. </p><p> </p><p>Judai’s arms fell limp at his sides and his eyes never left Misawa as he wept, “I’m here now, there’s no one around to judge...and you’re <em>still </em>pushing me away? I want you, I like you--I <em> love </em> you, and I don’t see why we <em> can’t</em>; there’s nothing in the way here.”</p><p> </p><p>“Judai, enough,” Misawa commanded.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Besides, those words are too strong, and not what I deserve to hear.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Judai hiccuped, sniffling and wiping away his tears with the sleeve of his jacket. Misawa let him cry it out, taking those minutes to re-ground himself. </p><p> </p><p>After a bit, Misawa stood and offered a hand to him, “come on, let’s get you to sleep. You’ve had a long night.” </p><p> </p><p>Judai sniffled, bringing his arm away from his eyes, and looked up at Misawa. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.</p><p> </p><p>So instead, he grabbed Misawa’s hand and allowed himself to be pulled while pushing himself weakly by his legs. </p><p> </p><p>When he stood, he fell into Misawa’s chest, and Misawa once again caught him. </p><p> </p><p>Misawa’s lips parted in a soft grin and he patted Judai’s back softly, “hey...it’s okay.” </p><p> </p><p>Judai hiccuped, clinging to Misawa’s shirt cautiously, forehead against his chest. </p><p> </p><p>“...I missed you so much,” Judai breathed out. </p><p> </p><p>Misawa said nothing to that, pulled back, and guided him to the other sofa (which he knew was more comfortable to sleep on).</p><p> </p><p>After, Misawa traveled to his bedroom to find extra blankets. He didn’t have any extra pillows, so he figured the decorative ones on the sofa would have to do.  </p><p> </p><p>Misawa returned and placed the blankets over Judai’s body, and set both decorative pillows beneath his head. He also got Judai another glass of water and placed it on the table nearby.</p><p> </p><p>Once Judai’s needs were taken care of, Misawa bid him goodnight and went toward his bedroom. </p><p> </p><p>“Mi...Misawa?” </p><p> </p><p>“Hm?” He looked back at Judai, seeing the glint of those sweet brown eyes from across the room, which made his heart skip. </p><p> </p><p>“...thank you.” </p><p> </p><p>Misawa’s brow knitted, “for what?”</p><p> </p><p>“For--for taking care of me.” He brought a blanket up to cover his mouth as he looked at Misawa. </p><p> </p><p>Misawa smiled, “I would want the same done for me in your situation.” </p><p> </p><p>Judai sniffed quietly and rolled onto his side. </p><p> </p><p>“Good night, Judai,” Misawa said with finality. </p><p> </p><p>“Night,” Judai replied softly. </p><p> </p><p>With that, Misawa retired, exhausted in body, mind, heart, and soul.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Drama, drama!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. The Beginning of the (Almost) End</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is one of the longest chapters, next to another one that will be posted. If you need to go at it in bite-sized readings, I won't be offended.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> It was a balmy, spring Sunday afternoon, the sun high in the brilliantly blue sky, with a lovely breeze that kissed anyone who was fortunate enough to be in its path. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It was so warm that Misawa forewent his uniform jacket and rolled up the sleeves of his green turtleneck.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> That day, Misawa was with Judai. They’d decided to study out on the lawn in front of the Ra Yellow dorm.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Well, </em> Misawa <em>was studying, yet always getting hopelessly distracted by Judai, who was “studying” and chattering incessantly. He didn’t mind it, especially since the weather was so pleasant.  </em></p><p> </p><p><em> “Finals are in a month...do ya think you’ll be promoted to Obelisk?” Judai asked. </em> <em> <br/></em> <em> <br/></em> <em> He was lying on his back, squishing a pencil between his upper lip and nose, staring up at Misawa with those beautiful brown eyes.  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa finished a calculation and smiled at Judai, “I hope so. Still, it wouldn’t mean much if I couldn’t beat you!”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Aw, that’s nice,” Judai grinned as he closed his eyes, the pencil falling and rolling toward Misawa.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He sat up and pulled himself to face Misawa, “besides, I wouldn’t want to leave Osiris Red, anyway!”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Misawa nodded, replying coolly, “I know, but still...you </em>should <em>consider promoting to Ra. Rank and color mean a lot here, and people will underestimate you. I mean, </em> I <em> didn’t, but everyone else has, and will probably continue to...”  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Blegh--I don’t care about ranking; I’m happy where I’m at. Anyway, let’s change the subject.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He scooted on his butt on the grass and picked up the pencil, twirling it between his fingers, “Hey, Misawa...I have a question.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Hm?” Misawa continued jotting down equations.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> At first, Judai said nothing, and Misawa could feel his tension.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa closed his notebook and put his materials aside, giving his full attention to Judai.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai took a deep breath and sighed, glancing back at Misawa then to the pencil he was fidgeting with.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> At last, he finally asked the question:  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> “Misawa...do you... </em> like <em> anyone?”  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa’s brow knitted and he averted his eyes while he considered the question.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Like”...as in, having a crush on someone. Wanting to be with them, go on dates, all of that. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Well, he wasn’t sure if it counted as “liking” someone, but as far as girls were concerned, he had great respect and admiration for Asuka--one of their mutual friends. The same could be said about anyone else in their mutual circle of friends.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> ...But, there was something else. </em>Some<strong>one</strong>. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He’d never admit--he hadn’t admitted it--the feelings he had about Judai. If they counted as “liking” someone, then surely it would mean he liked him.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I can’t say that I do, why?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> A white lie. Nothing harmful.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I was just curious. Lots of people have crushes, girlfriends, or boyfriends around here so I was wondering if the ‘love bug’ bit you, too.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa chuckled at the analogy. It was a lot more complicated than that, but it was still an amusing thing to say.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Curious as well, he angled his head at Judai, “do you?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai brought a hand to rub the back of his head as he leaned back on his other, pink blooming across his cheeks as he chuckled, “I’m good at hiding it, but...yeah, I do.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I wonder who the lucky girl is?” Misawa chuckled, though he stopped once he saw Judai’s expression.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The pencil Judai held was practically doing its own stunts between Judai’s fingers, switching between hands.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “...what’s wrong? Is it unrequited?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> “...I mean, </em> kinda... <em> h-she--has said she doesn’t like anyone. I asked her, and I don’t know how to tell her how I feel.”  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He frowned, reached out, and touched Judai’s shoulder, “hey, even if she doesn’t like you right now--which is hard to imagine!--maybe you can show her how much she means to you? Maybe she’ll understand and eventually return your feelings.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai met Misawa’s eyes and a smile as brilliant as the day’s sunlight lit across his face, “look at you, being a love wizard. I’m shocked you don’t have all the girls falling all over you!”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Now, it was Misawa’s turn to blush.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He took his hand from Judai’s shoulder and looked down at the grass they were sitting on, playing with his hands, “well...no one seems to like me for my mind...girls only want looks right now, I think.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai listened intently and quietly.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Misawa took the opportunity to speak his mind, “same goes for the guys...they only go after pretty girls. If anyone likes me, or if I like them, I want them to like me for </em>all <em>of me...not something superficial that’ll change over time. I’d do the same for them. I’d like them no matter what they looked like.”  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It was true. That was all Misawa wanted from someone.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Judai nodded, “I think that’s great! Looks are </em>nice<em>...but you’re right, what matters is who you are. Not that I have a great brain at all, but!”  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He laughed heartily, and Misawa joined him, “Judai, your mind is fine--you just need to focus a little bit.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Ahhhh, it’s hard to do that when I’m thinking about this and that all the time, ”Judai whined, then laid indignantly on the grass.   </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The conversation had seemed normal at the time. Nothing out of the ordinary.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Then...Judai started acting odd.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> For a little bit, the Osiris boy kept asking to hang out more often. It didn’t bother Misawa much, though he would’ve liked a bit more time alone.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Then...the while after, Judai stopped interacting outside of class. Sure, he would say hello and be friendly, but he always seemed shifty; unable to sit still--more so than usual.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> This continued until, one day, Misawa found a note in his P.E. locker from Judai: </em>
</p><p><em> <br/></em> <em> ‘Meet me on the bridge tonight. 7 PM, after dinner. I want to talk to you.’ </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa thought it was strange because Judai would normally come up and say whatever it was he needed to say. He was like that; straightforward.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Unless...no. </em>It couldn’t be. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa’s heart began to thunder in his chest and his ears warmed, but he stifled the feelings with a deep breath and the shaking of his head.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He stuffed the note in the pocket of his uniform jacket--as a reminder in case he forgot--and went about his day; wondering what it was Judai wanted to talk about. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ... </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> At last, the time was approaching.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa ate his dinner quickly and headed out half an hour before he was to meet Judai at the bridge. It would give him plenty of time to walk his nerves out and think of any questions he had for Judai.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He couldn’t help but feel something big was going to happen, but he did his best not to let himself get carried away in that feeling.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> After all, what if it was nothing?  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Yet, no matter how much he tried to downplay it, he knew it </em>wasn’t <em> “nothing”.  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> With every step he took, the pounding drums of fate echoed louder and louder in his being. He summed it up to nerves.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Sure as the way the ocean rose and fell upon the sandbar, there Judai was, standing and facing the horizon of waves stretched out endlessly before them, highlighted by cool moonlight.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The sight was so mesmerizing that Misawa almost didn’t want to speak, for fear of breaking the magic and beauty of the moment.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> However, Judai turned, the breeze catching his fluffy, brown hair just right as he smiled back at Misawa.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “You’re here.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa cleared his throat, nodding, “yeah, I got your note.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai's gaze wavered as he lowered his head. The breeze continued moving his hair about.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa cocked his head and asked gently, “are you alright? You don’t seem like yourself right now.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai huffed--not at Misawa’s question, but at himself--then faced Misawa fully, “do you remember our talk about people we like?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa nodded tentatively, keeping eyes steady on Judai.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai swallowed reflexively and clenched his fists, “...well...I found someone I like.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “...that’s wonderful, Judai. Though, you could’ve told me that anytime. I don’t know why...”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai’s eyes flashed: somber and serious. A look Misawa only recognized in their duels--and even then, it wasn’t as harsh as it was now.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> His smile slowly fell from his face as a sense of impending doom set in.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “...What?” He asked.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai took a few steps toward Misawa, leaving a small gap of distance between them.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa’s heart started racing, and the edges of his ears flushed again. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He couldn’t do anything but try to break the tension that had suddenly mounted, “Judai, I don’t understand. Why are you acting like this suddenly?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai took a deep breath, puffing his cheeks, then exhaling--reached for one of Misawa’s hands and held it in his own. It was traitorously tender.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa’s eyes darted to look down at their joined hands, then back to Judai’s sincere, open-hearted, brown eyes. A million thoughts spiraled in his mind, none of which could find a foothold.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> “Misawa...it’s not a girl that I like...it’s you. I like </em> you <em> .”  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa’s heart dropped like a rock into a pond. The impact sent his mind reeling.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> The first thing Misawa could blurt out among all the sudden chaos of his being was, “ </em> why? <em> ”  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai chuckled, bringing Misawa’s hand up to his cheek and nuzzled it gently. The unexpected softness of Judai’s skin made him shiver from the back of his neck down his spine.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Isn’t it obvious? I like you for you. Your looks are...a bonus, but that doesn’t change how I really feel.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He stopped nuzzling and took a step, closing the distance between them, and cradled his hand against Misawa’s shoulder, “if you don’t feel the same, tell me now, and I won’t bother you about it ever again.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa didn’t hear what Judai said. His brain was a mess of static and fuzz.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> This </em>had <em>to be a dream or a prank of some sort. There was no way </em> Judai Yuki<em>, of </em>all people <em>in the </em>entire world<em>, could like someone like </em>him. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Besides, what would everyone think if they saw them?  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He could hear the whispers, rumors, and gossip now: </em>
</p><p><em> <br/></em> <em> ...“Misawa’s with Judai? Doesn’t that seem a bit odd?”... </em> <em> <br/></em> <em> ...“Why did Judai pick </em>him?”... </p><p>
  <em> ...“Why couldn’t Judai choose me? I’m a girl, for one, and a lot better than that Misawa!”... </em>
</p><p>
  <em> ...“Two guys, together? It’s a bit weird...”...  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The imaginary voices cut him deep.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> He couldn’t bear the thought of bringing Judai down like that, not for someone as.. </em> .insignificant <em> ...as him.  </em></p><p> </p><p><em> Yet, he knew what he wanted. His feelings were similar to Judai’s; strong and true. </em> <em> <br/></em> <em> <br/></em> <em> In a flash, he could see them doing all the things couples usually did--splashing each other playfully in the ocean on the beach, cuddling in a blanket while watching a movie, eating dinner together, and talking about the day's events... </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Even...kissing. Under the stars, before a duel, in the middle of laughing at a stupid joke. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> All of this, Misawa wanted badly--with Judai.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> This was overshadowed by the cruel voices from earlier, telling them he; </em> they <em>were wrong, and that Misawa would only be a letdown for Judai on his path to glory. </em></p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> Misawa returned to reality, blinking and finding Judai, who was still pressed close to him and holding his shoulder and hand.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa’s mouth opened to speak, but nothing came through.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai squeezed Misawa’s shoulder gently, which made him shudder.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> He stepped back, pulling away, the warmth of Judai’s hand on his shoulder lingering, “Judai...I </em> also <em>like you. But...you can’t. </em> We <em> can’t.”  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa turned his face away, burying his chin in his shoulder, a lump forming in the depth of his throat. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai’s brow raised and his eyes followed, “...what? What do you mean? Is it because we’re both guys?”  </em>
</p><p><em> <br/></em> <em> Misawa said nothing, keeping eyes averted. </em> <em> <br/></em> <em> <br/></em> <em> The Osiris boy sighed aloud, “Misawa, that doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care what anyone says, I </em> like <em> you!”  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The words were like a balm on Misawa’s aching heart, but no matter how quick the relief was, it was temporary, and still remained, like the way a broken bone never truly healed.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em>He had to do this to save both of them heartache and misery in the long run. No matter how selfishly Misawa wanted this, </em>wanted Judai<em>, wanted what they could have. </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I’m sorry...but it would be better for you if we didn’t...”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Was he...crying? The wetness had come to his eyes and he hadn’t noticed it until now.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> When he looked back at Judai, he saw he was crying, too. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Judai...I mean it. You can’t...” he was quickly faltering.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He had to leave before he changed his mind.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Judai cried out, “what about what </em>you <em>want, Misawa? You said you wanted someone who liked you for who you are--I’m right here!” </em></p><p> </p><p><em> Misawa growled out unexpectedly, still not facing Judai, “it doesn’t </em>matter <em>what I want...what </em>matters <em>is that you aren’t dragged down by me. There are tons of people out there who fit your caliber much better than I ever could.”  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai shouted, “that’s bull, and you know it!”  </em>
</p><p><em> <br/></em> <em> Misawa’s lip trembled and he squeezed his eyes shut, and whispered shakily, “even so...you have to know what others might think.”  </em></p><p> </p><p><em> “Think </em>what? <em> You’re making me really upset--do you accept or not?” Judai’s voice was trembling.  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It was obvious Judai wasn’t going to hear excuses anymore. Misawa’s stalling was up.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He had to tell the truth, or walk away. Do, or die.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa encouraged himself to face Judai and was overcome by how beautiful and stunning Judai looked in the moonlight, illuminating his tears that shone like glitter against his skin, eyes showing an open-heart, filled with want.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He choked on a sob as tears of his own broke, and his strained whisper echoed into the night, “I do.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> As if possessed by a wild animal, Judai sprung and tackled him.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Luckily, Misawa hadn’t lost his balance, and he steadied them both as Judai’s arms wrapped around him.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The warmth of Judai’s body against his was pleasant, comforting, and completing. They complemented one another--like apple and cinnamon.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai hummed into Misawa’s shoulder, then murmured, “you’re so warm...and you smell nice, too.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> A laugh rolled from his stomach and he held Judai in return, relishing the moment, “what do I smell like to you?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It was a bit odd to discuss it, but this was the way Judai expressed himself, and Misawa found it endearing.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Hmm...” he took a quiet, tentative sniff, which almost had Misawa laughing.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Like clean laundry...and something sweeter,” he pulled himself even closer to Misawa.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa’s chuckle escaped through his lips as he nestled Judai beneath his head and he rested his chin against the top of it, heart racing.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He didn’t know how long they’d been standing there, but it’d been long enough that Misawa could see people walking down the bridge from the docks, and he pulled away.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai looked to him, then backward, “oh! That’s Asuka and The Kaiser!” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He turned back to Misawa with a beaming smile, “should we tell them?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa pursed his lips, then shook his head, “not yet. I’m not ready for people to know.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> It was almost like a secret. In hindsight, Misawa wishes it </em>would’ve <em>been.  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Okay! Then we’ll just walk back with them--Hey, guys!” Judai turned and dashed down the bridge toward them.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa waited quietly while Judai chatted them up and then joined them as they passed.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He spent the entire walk glowing, warmth radiating from his ears and cheeks, heart soaring.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ... </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It hadn’t taken long for Judai to tell the group--without Misawa’s consent because apparently, he’d been ‘too excited not to share’...a notion that deeply upset him, but at the time didn’t say anything about it. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> In the days after, Judai insisted on being showy with his affection toward Misawa, calling him his boyfriend and holding his hand whenever he could.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> On his part, Misawa was extremely embarrassed, especially since his initial thoughts and fears about what others would think started to come true.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He heard whispers and hushed voices around them at almost any point during those days, most of which he couldn’t make out because Judai was his normally chatty self, but he could see it: </em>
</p><p> <em> <br/></em> <em> The judgmental stares. </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The forced smiles. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> The way people seemed to move away when they inhabited some space where others were.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Some seemed genuinely okay with it...but never happy. Never congratulatory. Never calling attention to it. Not the way he’d seen with other new couples in the school.   </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> By the end of the week, people started to ask questions of Misawa.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He was never able to answer those questions clearly and found the same kind of attitude no matter how he answered. It felt like walking on a tightrope--one wrong thing said, one wrong move, and he would be plunged into the consuming pit of fire below.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ...Judai wasn’t much help in the matter.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Do you think they know?” Judai asked one night as they hung out in Misawa’s room, eating some onigiri that Judai had managed to weasel from Ms. Tome. Whether he was joking or genuine, Misawa couldn’t decipher.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Yes, they do,” Misawa huffed, bitterness staining his voice.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai exclaimed, “I bet they think we look great. I bet we look like the coolest ‘battle couple’ in the entire school!”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai was obviously happy with the arrangement, unlike Misawa. </em>
</p><p><em> <br/></em> <em> He was happy he was with Judai of course, but he wasn’t happy with the way he was being treated. It was like everyone suddenly didn’t want anything to do with him--aside from their circle of friends. They’d said they were happy for them, but... </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The opinion of the few didn’t outnumber the hundreds.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai blabbered between bites of onigiri and sips of melon cream soda, “I wish we did this sooner. I’m glad I got the courage to confess! Though, I kinda have to hand it to Fubuki for helping me with that.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa was barely listening at this point, and he hadn’t touched his onigiri and canned vanilla coffee either.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai eventually caught on once Misawa stopped responding.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Hey...what’s wrong?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa started out of his thoughts and feelings and looked back at Judai, who had stopped everything he was doing to pay attention to him.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He sighed, looking away to the white wall on his far-right, “...Judai...I...have you noticed anything weird lately?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai’s brow knitted and he puckered his lips, then he shook his head, “no, why?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Just wondering,” Misawa sighed.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Should we get Thunder involved? Does this call for a Detective Manjoume investigation?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai put his palm against his brow like a visor and pretended to look around, then laughed at his own joke.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa didn’t laugh, increasingly depressed the more Judai went on.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai eventually gave up the ghost, “...Misawy?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Misawa took a deep breath, then sighed, “Judai...people are talking about us, and not in a good way. I keep getting questions when we’re not together. They come to me in groups, and... </em> interrogate <em>me. They want to know </em>everything.”</p><p> </p><p><em> Judai smirked, trying to lighten the mood, </em> “ <em> I hope you told them how much I like kissing you, that you’re the most awesome boyfriend ever.”  </em></p><p> </p><p><em> Misawa dipped his head, shaking it, “I don’t know </em>what <em>to say. No matter what, they’re never satisfied. I feel like I’m walking on shaky ground that’ll give under my feet at any moment.”  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai pressed a fingertip to his chin, “...I haven’t gotten any of that, come to think of it.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa laughed, heart aching.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Of </em>course not. </p><p> </p><p><em> Everyone thought of Judai highly, despite being Osiris Red. They wouldn’t dare ask him anything that might shame or degrade him. ...Because apparently being with </em> Misawa <em>was shameful.   </em></p><p> </p><p><em> The Ra student was an easy target. Someone to poke, prod, and wring dry of answers to all their incessant, vicious questions. </em> <em> <br/></em> <em> <br/></em> <em> It was enough to drive him insane. Was it </em>that <em>wrong to love a guy?  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai looked upon Misawa with concern, “...what are they saying to you, Misawy?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa cradled his head in his hands and curled into himself, murmuring, “they say everything and nothing at the same time...I can see it in their eyes, their faces. They look at me with disgust, disdain...I can feel the way people judge us when you hold my hand. It’s like daggers in my back.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Misawa, that can’t be true--”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “It is!” Misawa cried, ripping his hands away from his head.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai started, but quickly recovered, “the others think it’s okay; isn’t that what should matter?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa shook his head, “the thoughts of the hundreds of others in this school, this place, they overpower every other opinion.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai didn’t say anything to that.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Misawa was now crying, “I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t like the person I want to without getting nasty looks and hearing whatever they’re saying about you, me, </em>us.” </p><p> </p><p><em> “We </em>can, <em> Misawa...you just have to believe that they’ll come around. I mean, Shou and Asuka were saying to me that it’ll take some getting used to...but otherwise they think it’s great. </em>” </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It almost heartened Misawa to hear that, but he knew the easiest way to get all this to stop was to do what he should’ve done at the start of all this; cut off the snake’s head--end the relationship with Judai.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> There was a bit of quiet before Judai returned to his normally peppy self, and pointed at Misawa’s onigiri, “you gonna eat that?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Misawa pushed them toward Judai as he stood, “no, not hungry.” </em> <em> <br/></em> <em> <br/></em> <em> Judai hungrily took the onigiri, but followed Misawa’s movements as he went toward the door, “where’re you goin’?”  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa placed his hand on the doorknob, “just going out for some fresh air.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Mmkay! Let’s play a game when you get back.” Judai gave Misawa a peace sign before returning to his second meal.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa left the room and made his way to the front balcony of the Ra Yellow dorm, and leaned against the railing, looking out across the way to the trees near the dirt road, and the ocean just beyond that.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He thought briefly about what it would be like to be separated from Judai right now. His heart cried out with indignance at the concept.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Yet...he knew it was the right thing to do.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He would have to change his entire life path to get out of the way of the awful gazes that were thrown his way, to rid himself of the stabbing words and hidden disgust that everyone had shown him over the past week.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He worked out every possible angle to make it possible--what his talents were aside from dueling so he could make a living because becoming a professional duelist was now out of the question.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> He loved Judai, and he loved dueling, but he couldn’t take this anymore, and it had only been a </em> month<em>. What would the </em>rest of their life <em>look like? Would Judai even be </em>happy <em>with him by that time?  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> So, in the days approaching summer vacation, where everyone was ready to go home and see their families, Misawa made an exit plan. The permanent kind. One where he would hopefully never cross paths with Judai again.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He underperformed in all his exams (at least, the Dueling ones, both written and performance) and would have to repeat the grade if he attended another year. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He met with Principal Samejima and explained his predicament (leaving out the obvious, though he ended up discussing it because Samejima asked about it).  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Samejima, aside from expressing his sorrow--especially since Misawa had so much talent--reassured that it wasn’t uncommon, especially since so many boys enrolled in the school and made close connections.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa thanked him for being frank and understanding but emphasized that he should still seek alternative ways of education outside of Duel Academia.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Samejima, Professor Daitokuji, and Misawa’s parents eventually worked together to recommend Misawa to a good school that would fulfill his needs so he could thrive in the conventional world. </em> <em> <br/></em> <em> <br/></em> <em> No longer was Misawa meant for the magic and joy of the dueling world--and neither was he meant for Judai’s heart and arms.  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> As for his relationship with Judai...he made sure to put a stopper in that. A crafted, secretive, slow, and painful death.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He acted like everything was normal up through the days of move-out. Nothing indicated anything was wrong--smiling, laughing, and being himself as much as he could.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It was the least he could do for Judai, considering what he was about to do to him, to them.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> The journey back home was a lot longer than he expected. </em> <em> <br/></em> <em> <br/></em> <em> First, they had to take a ferry from the island to mainland Japan, where together, they boarded a train that would run straight to Domino City, with a transfer at some point between. That transfer would be when Judai would split and leave for his own hometown, which was much further from Domino City than Misawa had expected.  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> While they were on the train to the transfer station, Judai went on and on about all the things he wanted to do with Misawa over the summer.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa felt awful knowing he was going to kill the joy and wonder in those beautiful brown eyes that held so much love and zeal for both him...and life itself.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> At least he wouldn’t have to see those sad eyes and that shattered heart when he did it. That was the one comfort he had. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be able to bring himself to do it.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> At last, the final moment came. The one Misawa would bury deep within him for all eternity.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> They departed the train, fighting through a crowd to reach the platform--Misawa decided he would simply catch the next train available after he said his goodbye.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai was holding his luggage in one hand and Misawa’s hand in the other. No one looked at them funny; small comfort, considering what was about to happen next.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Gosh, what a ride of a first year, right? One more to go after this! But first, summer break!” Judai sighed. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Yeah,” Misawa agreed, but for his own reasons. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Every step toward the platform was a millennium. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The same drum of fate that had pounded in Misawa’s being that fateful night of Judai’s confession and their subsequent, unfortunate coupling began to beat again. This time, it was a march of death, instead of a march of possibility.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> A small voice of hope inside of him piped up, so quiet it could barely be heard: “You don’t have to do this. There’s a future for you two. You love him and he loves you; isn’t that all you need? Who cares what the world thinks--you have each other at the end of it all.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> However, Misawa knew better. The wheels and cogs were in motion. There was no going back now.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> This goodbye was the final one.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai began to run, dragging Misawa by the hand--it was warm and soft, Misawa would recall later. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He dug his heels into the concrete, gripping Judai’s hand tightly. Judai was abruptly stopped and he whipped around to look back at him, the Traitor.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “What’s up? Don’t you wanna see me take off?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa shook his head, fighting against the lump already knotting in his throat and the hot pressure behind his eyes, “it’s okay, I know where you’re going.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai nodded, facing Misawa and putting his luggage on the ground at his feet, “well, it doesn’t get here for 15 minutes anyway, so we can just hang out here, right?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai took both of his hands and squeezed, holding them firmly and lovingly.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Misawa nodded, giving Judai his best smile, silently communicating his thanks for everything, hoping his pain and sorrow wouldn’t slip through. </em> <em> <br/><br/></em></p><p>
  <em> They talked for a little bit, just before the call was made for the trains’ departure.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa saw the seconds going by in his head.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai smiled up at Misawa sweetly, “well, I guess I gotta go. I’ll text you when I get home, okay?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Misawa nodded, though he knew he wouldn’t be replying. Not to that, or any of Judai’s texts again. </em> <em> <br/><br/></em></p><p>
  <em> It was a bit odd to stare the end right in the face.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Judai...” Misawa started, but at the sight of Judai’s inquisitive, beautiful eyes, he was silenced.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> So, he decided that for his final act in this tragedy, he would do, instead of say.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Without any care for what the world thought for a moment, he wrapped his arms around Judai, holding him as close as he possibly could, and pressed his lips against his.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai pushed back, holding Misawa with a significant grip. Even though Judai looked slim, he was strong; in both heart and body.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa hoped Judai would carry that same strength through the absolute agony Misawa was about to put him through. But it would be for the best. It would make him even stronger.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Once parted, he buried his face into Judai’s shoulder, tears escaping. They fell upon his love’s jacket. He savored the warmth and absorbed as much as he could from the embrace, like a chilled and starving man desperate for heat and nourishment. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> If things were different, Misawa thought, then maybe he wouldn’t have to go hungry and cold without Judai’s love again.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> However, it just wasn’t for him. For them.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He didn’t know how long they’d held each other, but it was long enough for the very last call of the trains’ departure.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai’s arms slid away from Misawa and he took a step back. Misawa did the same, though his hands lingered against Judai’s arms as they parted.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai cocked his head with a knitted brow, “Misawy...you don’t have to cry. We’ll see each other again soon enough.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa nodded, bringing a sleeve up to wipe away at the tears in his eyes, cheeks, and chin, “you’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just sad to see you go.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> A legendary understatement. </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Judai grabbed his hand one last time--the literal last time--and cooed in a voice so soft and gentle that Misawa thought he might phase out of existence: </em> <em> <br/></em> <em> <br/></em> <em> “I’ll see you later, Daichi.”  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> As if in slow-motion, Judai let go of Misawa’s hand, baggage in the other, gave one last smile and wink, and turned his back to leave, dashing to the train.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa’s hand lingered in the air, reaching after Judai.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> He had the notion to call to him and say </em>something. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Judai!” He cried out, tears shamelessly streaming down his face.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai had heard him and turned back for a moment before stepping onto the bus--Misawa couldn’t read his expression through the veil of water in his vision--and shouted the words he screamed in his heart:  </em>
</p><p><em> <br/></em> <em> “I love you!” </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai beamed, and called back as loud as he could, “You’re my number one!”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa felt like crashing onto the floor right then, but he somehow managed to stay standing.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He watched with empty reverence as Judai stepped into the train, found the nearest window, and pressed against it, waving at him with the biggest smile on his face.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Misawa was a mess of tears and waved back, all the way until he could no longer see him and the train rolled into the distance.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He must’ve been standing there for a while because someone eventually asked him if he was lost.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Without Judai, he would be, but he wouldn’t say it out loud. The world had done enough damage to him for one lifetime.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He made his way back to his own platform, wiping away tears the entire time. He silently cried on the train back to Domino City, facing the window and regretting his decision wholeheartedly. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> On that almost two hour ride, he oscillated quickly between confidence, emptiness, sorrow, and heartbreak. He knew he would have to fight every urge not to take his decision back. He had to be strong now, though his heart certainly wasn’t.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> That was the last time he swore to ever fall in love with anyone, and it would take years before he finally felt “okay” from it all.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> --- </em>
</p><p> </p><p>If only life--and Judai--had let him alone. </p><p> </p><p>Misawa wasn’t sure if it was a cruel joke or what, but he hoped there had better be a good reason for it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>How many goddamn times do I have to cry over THIS chapter specifically??</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Falling from Heaven (and the Recovery)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Yet another long piece--we're getting back to the main plot after this, I promise!<br/>While we're here, I want to give everyone who has kudos'd and commented on this piece! I put so much of myself into this work and to be validated by such positive attention...makes me so happy. More than words can express.<br/>Anyway, enjoy! We're coming closer to "the end"!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em> “Misawy...why are you ignoring all my texts?” Judai sighed as he laid on his bed, holding his cellphone above his head. </em> <em><br/></em> <em><br/></em> <em> It’d been a week since they left the school for break. Judai had been texting Misawa like crazy since then. He’d told him to text him once he got home, but he never did.  </em></p><p> </p><p><em> Judai had a thought that he’d gotten sick, or otherwise, something bad happened to him, but he would have the time to text back or at least </em>call, <em> right? Or, have someone else make a call.  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He’d been gushing about Misawa to his mother, who at one point asked if he was in love with him. Judai, although afraid at first, was honest.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> She'd been unexpectedly supportive. She expressed that she always knew Judai was “a little different” from other boys; she just wasn’t sure </em>how<em>. This fueled Judai to say even more about Misawa. </em></p><p> </p><p><em> “You would like him, too, Mom! He’s the nicest guy--not like me. I mess stuff up all the time.” </em> <em><br/></em> <em><br/></em> <em> “He sounds wonderful from the way you talk about him--I’d indeed like to meet him, I think,” she’d said with a gentle, quietly happy smile.  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> This motivated Judai to seek Misawa even more.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Yet...there was no answer, in any way.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai eventually moved from texting to calling, only to be met with voicemail at every attempt--and he persisted, leaving voicemail after voicemail.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Two weeks later, and still nothing.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The pit of Judai’s stomach gnawed at him, nausea in his heart. </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> What </em>if <em>something really bad happened to Misawa?  </em></p><p> </p><p><em> “It’s not like he gave me his address, either,” Judai muttered to himself one day, finding a generic book of addresses and phone numbers his mother kept in a cupboard in the mere hope he would find </em>something <em>about him or his family.  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Using the last name and after a couple of searches both in the book and on the internet (he had help from Jun who had better access to such records and resources), he at last found a residence with the last name ‘Misawa’--in Domino City.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> So, after a night and day's worth of planning (when he was going to leave, what time the train might arrive if he should take his bike or not), Judai set out on a journey to find his love.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It had taken a couple of hours to finally reach the place--between the train ride, bussing, and bike-riding--to get there.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The Misawa Residence looked stately and refined--more so than Judai and his mother’s more basic apartment back in his hometown.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai wondered for a moment if he had the wrong address.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He parked his bike outside the fence surrounding the place and made his way to the door, heart racing. With a deep breath, he knocked on the door politely.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Why am I so nervous? The last time I was <b>this</b> nervous was before I confessed! </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> After a couple of minutes, the door opened, and a woman appeared--she had striking, dark gray eyes and black hair--like Misawa’s.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He gave a smile and bowed, “hello, I’m sorry to interrupt but...I’m looking for my friend--his name is Misawa, Daichi Misawa, and I found this residence with the same last name.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> When he stood straight, something flickered in the woman’s eyes, but she gave him a demure smile--again, one which reminded him of Misawa--and said, “I’m sorry...you must have the wrong address. No one by that name lives here.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Oh!” Judai’s cheeks warmed and his heart dropped into his stomach, “sorry, I’ll go now. Thank you!”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> “Hope you find your friend!” She called after him as he turned his back, then closed the door. </em> <em><br/><br/></em></p><p>
  <em> Though, when he turned he saw something move in the corner of his eyes--someone had been watching from the front window.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He looked to the window, and the curtains were still swaying from having been moved. He narrowed his eyes, tempted to approach it and knock at it but decided it would be rude--after all, it could’ve been anyone--or a cat--and for all he knew, he was going crazy, seeing his chosen one everywhere.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> However, he knew he wasn’t crazy, because as he was about to take off, the curtains parted again, and sure as the way Winged Kuriboh showed when he needed him most during a hard duel, Judai saw him--the face of his friend and first love. </em> <em><br/></em> <em><br/></em> <em> Judai called, “Daichi! Misawa!” </em> <em><br/></em> <em><br/></em> <em> Yet, as soon as Judai had seen him, he was gone again, the curtains slammed shut with great force.  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai’s entire world sunk as his heart dropped into his stomach, and a million questions entered his mind. </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> What...did Misawa do that for? Why did he act like he wasn’t there? Why did that woman lie to him? Just </em>what <em>was going on?  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He walked on with his bike for...he didn’t know how long, until at last he found himself at a park off the main street, and found a place to sit--on a bench beneath a tree and he watched vagrantly as the cars, buses, and bicyclists went by on the city street.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He went over the incident in his head, again and again, trying to find things he might’ve missed, but it was of no use.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> At last, Judai decided to call Misawa. Again, sent straight to voicemail.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em>“...hey Misawa-chi...I tried to find you today and</em> <em>I visited your house. It was the only Misawa Residence in that part of the city that fit. I know it was your house because I saw you. Anyway...” he swallowed and his eyes started to heat up. </em><em><br/></em><em><br/></em><em>“I miss you. I don’t know what’s going on or what happened, but I wanna see you. I want to know why you won’t talk to me, and why you’re hiding from me like this. It’s gonna be a long summer without you, y’know? I had so many plans...and my mom, she wants to meet you. I told her about us, and she supports me.” </em><em><br/><br/></em></p><p><em> At this point, he started babbling, “was that woman your mother? Maybe your sister? She looks like you--pretty and kind. You both have the same eyes and hair color.” </em> <em><br/></em> <em><br/></em> <em> He fell silent. Judai was painfully aware the voicemail was still recording. He had so much he wanted to say, yet nothing was coming.  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “...please call me or text me back. I don’t know what I’ll do if you don’t.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He finally ended the call, letting his hand and cell phone drop into his lap for a moment as his heart began to ache.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai felt the rolling of tears down his cheeks, and he furiously wiped away at them with his arm.  </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> “Ahhh! What did I do? Why won’t you answer me, Misawy?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> By the time he was home, he got a text from a number he didn’t recognize.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Might be spam,” he muttered. He checked it anyway.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> What he read made him drop his cellphone in the middle of the kitchen. It slid, spinning out until it hit the trash can and stopped abruptly with a small ‘bang’ sound. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He must’ve made some kind of sound, because his mother came in and asked with a knitted brow, “Judai...? Is something wrong?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> He remembered running into her arms and crying out, “it’s a lie! It’s a lie! There’s no way!” </em> <em><br/></em> <em><br/></em> <em> She held him as he cried, and once he was able to calm down enough to tell her, she regarded him sadly, “I’m so sorry. Perhaps he wasn’t the one for you, then.” </em> <em><br/></em> <em><br/></em> <em> Judai’s heart screamed otherwise, and he did the same once alone; into his pillow.  </em></p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p><em> ‘Yuki Judai: </em> <em><br/></em> <em><br/></em> <em> I am Misawa Daichi’s mother, and I apologize for lying to you earlier. </em> <em><br/></em> <em><br/></em> <em> Daichi has expressed a wish to me and the rest of our family that he does not want to see you or be contacted by you any longer. He has not told you this himself because he is keeping in accordance with this wish. I am sorry. It would be too painful for the both of you.’  </em></p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em> ... </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em> In the days after, Judai’s days were mostly spent either crying in his room alone while his mom was at work--though he did his best to keep up with the household chores despite breaking down in between tasks. (Have you ever started crying in the middle of doing the dishes?) </em>
</p><p><em><br/></em> <em> He confided in Winged Kuriboh and the friends he made at Duel Academia and had gotten lots of comfort and reassurance from them all. At one point, Shou said something to the effect of telling Misawa off, and Judai reassured him it wasn’t necessary. He would do it himself...if he were any other kind of guy.  </em></p><p> </p><p><em> When he wasn’t crying in his room and talking to his friends, he was out and about, doing the things he wanted to do with Misawa, some of which ended up half-attempts because it was hopeless to do activities meant to be shared with another person. </em> Especially <em>if that person was your boyfriend.   </em></p><p> </p><p><em> Despite Misawa’s insistence, Judai continued to text and leave voicemails--not because he wanted to reach him, but because it was better than suffering alone with the dread of missing someone. </em> <em><br/></em> <em><br/></em> <em> He wondered if Misawa felt the same way, or if he was silently glad he was gone.  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The memory of them at the train station before Judai took the transfer train that would result in him seeing his Misawy for the last time would replay over and over again--like a cruel joke--in his mind.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><b>“I love you!” </b> <em> Misawa had called out, with such passion Judai could hear it above all the voices, and he called back with a new title he’d bestowed upon Misawa in secret:  </em></p><p> </p><p><b>“You’re my number one!”</b> </p><p> </p><p><em> He wished he’d called Misawa that more often. Would it have made him want to stay? Why </em>did <em> Misawa make this decision without him? He could’ve at least </em>talked <em>about it with him! Had it been something he said? Something he did?  </em></p><p> </p><p><em>Of course, he wouldn’t get answers to these questions--and the more he tried to think about it, the more frustrated and upset he got, and these internal arguments ended with asking the same question: </em><em><br/></em><em><br/></em> <em>“</em><b>Why?”</b></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> So, for the first two months or so, Judai’s summer was gloomy, gray, overshadowed with sorrow and grief; with hot, humid days that were blurry with tears and sweat that stuck against his skin.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Of course, eventually, there was a bright side. His friends, with the exception of Jun, whose family proved to be extremely strict--were able to get together and they went on a ‘friendcation’, as was so lovingly dubbed by Asuka.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Even as he had fun and was distracted by their activities, he couldn’t help but feel ‘Number Two’ was missing, and the others felt it too, though never mentioned it. Not only had Misawa cut himself from Judai’s life, but he’d retreated from the others as well.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Maybe he isn’t attending Duel Academia next year?” Fubuki suggested as they sat around a campfire--they were camping out at a certain place well-known for its sight-seeing.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> “He </em>did <em>underperform in all his dueling exams,” Asuka continued.  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Shou commented, “it’s not like him at all.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Judai added angrily, “even so, you would think he would want to stay friends---stay my boyfriend--with us, and me?” </em> <em><br/></em> <em><br/></em> <em> “I don’t know...” Asuka frowned, “it seems weird, you’re right.”  </em></p><p> </p><p><em> “I don’t get it, “ Judai growled, “not only that, but he goes and tells me through his </em>mom<em>? What kinda cowardly guy does something like that?”  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Ryo offered coolly, “he was letting you down easily.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Still! Kinda crappy Misawa went and did that to him--to us--no matter how you put it!” Fubuki piped up, as frustrated as Judai.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He’d helped Judai with his confession, after all, and was invested in the growth and development of their relationship. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai huffed, “let’s not talk about him anymore.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Everybody agreed not to breathe another word about Misawa from that day on. In their minds, Misawa didn’t deserve a place in their thoughts, since he had shown, by all accounts, he didn’t care for them, either. Judai wanted to be like them, but no matter what, he always found his thoughts wandering back to Misawa--remembering the way they’d held hands, laughed, and the kisses they shared.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Every memory was like a cruel replay of the worst tape--slowly becoming stripped with agony.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>I miss him so much. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It’d gotten so bad, Judai had once awoken in the early morning from a dream about reuniting with Misawa.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Instead of going back to sleep, he went on a walk. </em> <em><br/></em> <em><br/></em> <em> The concrete, cars rolling by, birds floating overhead, the warm, summery early-morning breeze, and the noises of his hometown coming to life were his companions, aside from his thoughts and feelings of Misawa. </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He wished he hadn’t taken him for granted. He wished he would’ve told Misawa how much he adored him, how much he wanted him at his side. Now, he could only tell him in vagrant thoughts that floated along like the breeze, and none of them would reach him now.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> At last, Judai came to the overhead of a bridge.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> A sliver of sunlight peeked above the horizon, and the once gray and midnight blue sky was breaking into shades of faded orange, pink, and yellow.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It was a beautiful sunrise, but Judai couldn’t bring himself to appreciate it, because inside, his heart was a raging storm, with heartache as loud and powerful as thunder. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He remembered every interaction he could recall of his time with Misawa--including the moment he’d fallen for him; when he had come to the conclusion, after some reflection, he only liked guys--or more specifically, he liked Misawa. Maybe to Misawa it’d been a simple thing that he’d had confessed, but for Judai, it’d taken everything for him to do it.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Even the most difficult duel couldn’t match </em>that. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He thought he’d won. He thought Misawa really liked him too--he certainly seemed to show as much. He thought... </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Thinking hurt.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The sun was rising, but Judai barely saw it through the veil of tears in his eyes.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He took a deep breath, gathering every painful feeling and thought he’d ever had about Misawa in the past few months and, almost throwing himself over the edge of the bridge, screamed the one name he would never be able to stop saying:  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Daichiiiiiiiii!!!” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>...</p><p> </p><p><em> A couple of weeks later, it was time to go back to Duel Academia. 2nd years and up were to arrive on campus a week early. Judai was the first to arrive, and the last to get on, because he was waiting and watching the various students getting on, seeing if Misawa was among them. </em> <em><br/><br/></em></p><p><em> He wasn’t. There were a few boys who appeared similar--mostly a hair color or style similarity--but Judai would know if it was Misawa. </em> <em><br/></em> <em><br/></em> <em> As he got on the boat, he turned back and took one last long look at the rolling city behind him in the distance, and he murmured, “I hope, wherever you are this year, Misawy...you’re happy. This year is gonna suck without you.”  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Throughout the year, he would walk by the Ra Yellow dorm with a sense of grief, sometimes emptiness as he stared at the building longingly--his memories playing games with his feelings. He knew Misawa wasn’t there, yet he held hope that one day he would show up, say sorry for leaving him... </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Of course, this never happened, and Judai eventually started realizing the time he’d spent with Misawa was over--6 months after the fact.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It didn’t stop him from crying bitter, sorrowed tears into his pillowcase every other night, though. Other days, he was unnaturally angry--a trait he normally never showcased--and his friends noticed, sometimes gently pointing it out to him.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> After enough of these, he made it a point to calm down by going on a walk, talking aloud to himself about his inner dialogue, instead of holding it all in.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Winged Kuriboh was a constant companion during this time, but at one point Judai stopped taking his deck with him on his “therapy walks” (what he eventually called them) because he didn’t feel right constantly subjecting the sweet little Duel Spirit to the feelings that tormented him.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> 9 months after the incident, the crying subsided to occurring every few days instead of every other day. The anger piece wasn’t present as much, either.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> 12 months. He was crying once a week. Anger was almost gone. He took the time to recognize his loss on the day he returned back to the city and stood in the train station before he went home, remembering it as best as he could--and yes, he cried a bit. The rest of the day was spent in grieving and sorrow. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p><em> A year and a half; the name ‘Daichi Misawa’ still brings Judai pain when hearing it. He doesn’t cry hardly at all, though some nights he’s still crying in his bed. </em> <em><br/></em> <em><br/></em> <em> Two years; Judai still recognizes the day he lost his first love. He’d graduated from Duel Academia. He wished Misawa would’ve been with him to see the day.  </em></p><p> </p><p><em> Three years; Judai’s career is in full swing. He’s had two lovers in total. Judai realized, even though he’s no longer consciously thinking of Misawa, he’s still looking for him in these other men, and is wholly unsatisfied and unhappy when he finds out they are nothing like him. He hates this fact and is angry at Misawa for messing his future love life up for him.  </em> <em><br/></em> <em><br/></em> <em> Four years; Judai took a third love, briefly, and though he had flirtatious relationships with a couple of duelists, he’s not getting committed anymore. He wonders where Misawa is with his life--thinks it might be nice to catch up.  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ... </em>
</p><p> </p><p>One day...he gets his wish. </p><p> </p><p>He’s stunned at the way Misawa looks, the way he conducts himself--he seems even more strict and mature than he was back then; somehow less confident, yet still as beautiful. Judai practically fell in love again at the <em>sight </em>of him. </p><p> </p><p>Misawa was hesitant to accept his offer to exchange phone numbers--and Judai’s nerves spiked at the prospect of Misawa not returning his texts and voicemails again (though he knew better now than to leave consecutive voicemails with <em>anyone </em>--he’d been rude back then). </p><p> </p><p>After he left the coffee shop, he had to contain his excitement and joy until he was back to his apartment, though something inside him pointed out that Misawa might do the same as back then; Judai acknowledged it and told himself, “you can’t know until you try”.<br/><br/>Once he was at his place, he went to his bedroom and screamed into his pillow. </p><p> </p><p>He could hardly focus for the rest of the afternoon, unsure of what to do with himself, until he had the idea to start working on his decks for the next tournament--which would be happening in a few days.<br/><br/></p><p>He sent a text to Misawa and wished on his cards that he would reply. </p><p> </p><p>A few hours later, Judai’s phone went off. He’d nearly thrown his cards because of how hard he jumped from having his concentration disturbed. </p><p> </p><p>He eagerly grabbed it and found the fated text. His heart screeched.</p><p> </p><p>“For the first time in 5 years...Misawa is talking to me!” He cried and immediately began to text Misawa, though he wasn’t sure what he’d say. </p><p> </p><p>Judai created multiple messages, then subsequently deleted them. After several embarrassing minutes of struggle, he texted his friends to ask what he should say.<br/><br/>‘Don’t bring up the past immediately. He might run away--remember, he did this to you first.’ Asuka warned.  </p><p> </p><p>‘He really contacted you? Well...good luck. I would say to start slow.’ Shou said.<br/><br/>‘Don’t text him back immediately. You’ll seem desperate.’ Fubuki advised.</p><p> </p><p>Neither The Kaiser (Ryo) or Jun answered. </p><p> </p><p>Judai scrunched his nose and huffed, “well, you guys weren’t helpful...” </p><p> </p><p>Except, they were. Judai wanted to get to the heart of the point. He wanted to know why Misawa did what he did, and then he’d feel okay with starting a new kind of relationship with him.</p><p> </p><p>None of the advice given to him even hinted at doing such a thing, which was irritating, but he decided to trust their judgment instead of rushing right in. As it turned out, it worked in his favor. As long as he didn’t bring up the past, Misawa was replying to his texts.<br/><br/></p><p>“Gotta hand it to these guys--they know how to work people,” Judai admitted to himself at random at some point during the week. </p><p> </p><p>Misawa, although his texting schedule was almost exclusively during the day--whereas Judai’s was more in the evening and night time--was consistent and swift. This fed Judai’s persistence. </p><p> </p><p>His excitement and faint stirring of old affection as a result of the contact carried into the duels he had in the final tournament of the season. He went onto the field with the attitude that Misawa was watching him, that he had to put on his best smile, best face, best show--all for him. </p><p> </p><p>He wanted to show off. He wanted to dazzle him. He wanted to impress him. He wanted Misawa to feel happy and captivated while watching him. Although the entire world had eyes on him, Judai only wanted the attention of one.<br/><br/></p><p>He tried to prove this intention to himself and secretly to Misawa by shutting down all other flirtatious duelists during the week, and texting Misawa whenever he had a free moment. Again, Misawa never failed to reply quickly, unless--Judai assumed--he was doing his professor things.</p><p> </p><p>(Truly, it’d impressed Judai that Misawa had gone from student to teacher so quickly--at least, it seemed so in his memory. He daydreamed multiple times about Misawa teaching at Duel Academia as the math professor, and he was a student again. As handsome as Misawa was, Judai would definitely be paying attention in <em> that </em> class--but not to the subject matter, of course.)<br/><br/>Everything appeared to be going well. That is...until the end of the tournament. </p><p> </p><p>Judai was a few drinks deep at “The Usual Spot” before he got the hare-brained idea that Misawa should meet him there. He would finally be able to talk candidly with him, face-to-face, instead of through a phone. </p><p><br/>But...Misawa didn’t reply.</p><p> </p><p>A fear unlike any other gripped Judai tightly and didn’t let him go. It was like he was 16 again, staring at his phone while lying on his bed back at his mom’s apartment, wondering why Misawa hadn’t texted him he was home from the plaza. Except, this time he was with his Shou and Jun, but they were also down many drinks, and at some point, Jun was doing drunken karaoke--singing Utada Hikaru’s “First Love” badly. Normally, Judai would’ve laughed at the ridiculousness of Jun’s antics, but it was like a slap in the face--the song was ironic, too--a double insult to injury. </p><p> </p><p>So, he did exactly what he did back then--in an alcohol and teenage heartbreak-fueled haze--and started rapid-fire texting Misawa. He could barely make out what he was typing but he hoped the other man would get the message.<br/><br/></p><p>At one point he was sure he was crying and stepped out of the bar so he could have a proper drunken cry session. It was hopeless; Misawa was planning on ridding himself of Judai again--without explanation or reason.<br/><br/>That seemed to be the case until Misawa texted him back.<br/><br/>It was an enormous block of text Judai had to focus on to read, but after a few careful readings and a dedicated effort to understand what was being said to him, he finally got the gist of Misawa’s message. </p><p> </p><p>Needless to say, he was <em>not </em>going to stand for being cast to the wind again. He wanted a place in Misawa’s life--the place he was <em> supposed </em>to be 5 years ago--and...if possible, he wanted a place back in Misawa’s arms, too. </p><p> </p><p>So, he texted Fubuki to pick him up, then drop him off at Misawa’s place. Miraculously, Misawa had given him his address.</p><p> </p><p>Fubuki, although expressing that Judai should be cautious, was generally encouraging, and wished him the best of luck, asking Judai to then text him if he needed to get home or how it went. This fueled Judai’s confidence and bravado--the alcohol certainly helped. </p><p>“I’m coming for you, Misawy.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. The Morning After</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm spoiling the heck out all ya'll--also, now that the difficult stuff is over, it's likely I'll finish this piece off really soon. I await your divine comments!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Misawa hadn’t slept well. He’d slept <em>hard</em>, but not <em>well</em>. His body was heavy like he was weighed down by cinder blocks. Regardless of how tired he was, he had to be at the school in a couple of hours. He remembered Judai was in his apartment--and he might still be asleep, so he took precarious measures to be quiet as he got ready.<br/><br/></p><p>As he dressed, he wondered if Judai would remember anything that had happened; what had been said between them last night. He pushed these thoughts aside as he went about his normal routine quietly. </p><p> </p><p>After about an hour, Misawa’s ears picked up the soft rustling sounds of Judai stirring on the sofa. A groan, then a yawn. </p><p> </p><p>“Eh...? Where...?” Judai murmured from the living room.<br/><br/>Misawa froze in the kitchen as he made his morning coffee. </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t remember getting here...” Judai murmured, bringing an arm up to rub at his face. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Oh, no. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Misawa took a breath then announced his presence, “good morning, Judai. Did you sleep well?” </p><p> </p><p>The brunet started and he sat up to find the source of the voice. Once he found Misawa, he blinked and rubbed at his eyes again, squinting at him, “Huh? Misawa? Am I...am I dead? Or dreaming?” </p><p> </p><p>“No, you’re not dreaming. You came here last night, remember?” </p><p> </p><p>“...I did? Weird.”<br/><br/>Misawa finished making his coffee and walked out of the kitchen, grabbing his satchel from the nearby coat rack. </p><p> </p><p>Judai turned to him; his hair was hilariously messy. He looked tired, but he was sober. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh...hey.” His eyes grazed over Misawa’s form for a moment, then met his gaze, “you uh, look sharp. Going somewhere?” </p><p> </p><p>Misawa grinned, taking a sip of his coffee, “yes, to the university. It’s Monday, after all. Anyhow, do you remember how you got here? Or anything at all?” </p><p> </p><p>He held his breath as he waited for Judai’s reply--this would make or break <em>everything</em>. </p><p> </p><p>Judai put a hand to his temple and narrowed his eyes in concentration at the air as if wracking his brain. </p><p> </p><p>“Y’know, I do...kinda. I remember I had Fubuki take me from the bar and then I got here...though I don’t remember anything after so far.” </p><p> </p><p>Misawa exhaled quietly, head feeling light from holding his breath so long, “I see...well, take your time. I have to leave now, but if you want to leave or stay, it’s up to you. You aren’t beheld to me at all.”<br/><br/>Judai brought his hand away from his head and gave Misawa a grateful smile, “hey, thanks. I don’t know what kind of weird stuff I did last night, but thank you for taking care of me.” </p><p> </p><p>Misawa returned a small, quiet smile, “it’s not a problem.” </p><p> </p><p>He began to make his way to the door, ready to bid Judai goodbye for now, before he was stopped again.</p><p> </p><p>“...Hey, I’m serious about the weird stuff. I’ve had others tell stories about me the day after. Sometimes I wake up in places I don’t recognize--like today, and then I have to be told all about it. Alcohol is a bad thing for me...” </p><p> </p><p><em> Well, at least he sees it’s problematic...though I doubt it stops him from doing it anyway. </em><br/><br/>Judai had always had a horrid lack of impulse control, regardless if the thing he was doing was obviously bad for him. Misawa had found it endearing at times, but other times it was frustrating. This would be one of those times he would find it the latter. <em> Especially </em>since he’d been a target of it. </p><p> </p><p>He desperately tried not thinking of what Judai did, lest his face burst into flames--or touch his lips as the recollection of the man’s burning kiss tingled them. </p><p> </p><p>“It was...alright. You didn’t do anything too bad.” </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, well, that’s a relief! I wouldn’t want you to be a victim of that.” </p><p> </p><p>Misawa released a chuckle. </p><p> </p><p><em> Too late</em>. </p><p> </p><p>“Well...see you later,” Misawa gave Judai one last, small grin before turning his back again. </p><p> </p><p>Judai wouldn’t let him have the last word, “I’ll text you my decision. In the meantime, I’ve gotta remember what made me want to come here.” </p><p> </p><p>“Sounds like a plan. Alright, see you.” </p><p> </p><p>“See ya later, Misaw--” Judai interrupted himself as he almost said the dreaded, fond nickname. </p><p> </p><p>“Er...sorry. I meant Misawa. Bad habits die hard, right?” He rubbed the back of his head and--was he blushing?</p><p> </p><p>Misawa tried not to read into it too much. </p><p> </p><p>“Of course.” </p><p> </p><p>Misawa exited his apartment, resisting the urge to scream into the city morning air. Judai truly didn’t remember <em>any </em>of it! He felt like dying at the mortification. He couldn’t tell the truth; he had to save his dignity--<em>both </em>of their dignities--from destruction. </p><p> </p><p>...Like back then, it was shameful for them to even be in the same place as one another. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe they really <em>weren’t </em>meant to be together...in <em>any </em>way. </p><p> </p><p>...</p><p> </p><p>As Misawa left, Judai was left with a sense of wanting to say more--and what <em>was </em>that about calling Misawa by that once-fond nickname? Like they were dating again...or something. <em> Were </em>they? </p><p> </p><p>He half expected to find himself in Misawa’s bed (an odd notion but not an impossible one for him), but instead, he was on the couch--which told him nothing like that had happened. Judai wasn’t sure to feel disappointed or glad for it. </p><p> </p><p>“Ugh! He was so handsome when he was standing there! ” </p><p> </p><p>Judai grabbed his phone from the coffee table and was greeted by a few text messages from Fubuki and Shou. </p><p> </p><p>Fubuki: </p><p>(from the previous night)<br/>‘so, how did it go?’<br/>‘do you need me to come get you?’<br/>‘ok I’m guessing you’re alright’<br/>‘good night and good luck~!’<br/><br/>Judai replied: ‘hey sorry abt that! i’m good! not sure what happened here but i’ll let you know when i do! Thx for checkin!! * w *’<br/><br/></p><p>Shou: </p><p>(from the previous night)<br/>‘whre didu go??’<br/>‘nm fu buk i tld me’<br/><br/>(this morning)<br/>‘morning, Bro! Fubuki told me you went to Misawa’s place...good luck!’<br/><br/>Judai told Shou what he told Fubuki, then after a bit more checking for any other potential messages (email, voicemail, etc.), his stomach rumbled painfully.<br/><br/>He tried to find purchase in his memory as navigated the apartment, finding food.<br/><br/>He promised Misawa in his head he’d replace the food he would eat--they were healthy, practical things, of course. Fruits, vegetables, those kinds of things. There also looked to be some leftover soup (when did he learn to cook? Or was this made elsewhere?). While Judai wasn’t averse, he was used to tournament after-party leftovers, or takeout leftovers--such was the life of a Pro Duelist. </p><p> </p><p>Judai, curious about the soup (and there being a plentiful amount of it), decided to eat that and sat at the tiny dining table situated at the end of Misawa’s kitchen. There was room for one, which immediately spoke to Judai about the state Misawa was living in: single, alone. Not only this, but it was worth mentioning as to how pristine and clean the place was kept. </p><p> </p><p>If he didn’t know any better, he would say<em> no one </em>lived here. The walls were plain with no decorations, and the only things on display were what Misawa needed to go through his day. </p><p> </p><p>Judai’s heart sank. Was this the kind of existence Misawa had when he wasn’t being an important professor at DCU? </p><p> </p><p>“This place is really lonely...” </p><p> </p><p>As he ate, he did his best to wrack his brain for memories of last night. </p><p> </p><p>He remembered texting Misawa, he remembered texting Fubuki, him picking Judai up and dropping him off at the apartment complex.<br/><br/>He <em>sort of </em>remembered seeing Misawa, but after that, everything was a hazy blur. He’d stopped drinking before Fubuki got him, so it didn’t make sense why the time <em>after </em>this, he couldn’t recall. </p><p> </p><p>More importantly, he’d sensed Misawa was lying to him about the 'weird stuff’. He recalled Misawa had always smiled to hide his true feelings or made a pleasant attempt to dodge saying anything shameful--and while Judai usually wasn’t judgmental, he had enough life experience by now to know that this was one of Misawa’s chief flaws. Well, next to what he did to their relationship as a whole... </p><p> </p><p>Instead of trying to force the memories of the night before, he reflected on his past with Misawa instead--he’d done a bit of it since meeting him a couple of weeks ago, but he hadn’t had the time to divulge his thoughts until now. </p><p> </p><p>He wouldn’t think of their past--at least, of the painful heartache he’d suffered because of him, the betrayal, sorrow, grief, longing, and endless questions, which still remained as a small thorn in his heart. </p><p> </p><p>Instead, he recalled everything that led to that point. A moment within a moment.</p><p> </p><p>...</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai went back to the time when they were on the train going toward Domino City. While Judai adored his other friends, he felt it was important he spent that time with Misawa, and so was seated right next to him. Besides, they were headed in the same direction up until Judai’s transfer. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> As he divulged and discussed his long list of plans he wanted to do with Misawa over the summer--as boyfriends--he hadn’t noticed until now that Misawa had engaged in these conversations with distance.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Judai, although a bit angry at Misawa, understood. He never did anything that would directly hurt Judai. That was the kindness in him.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Though, it would’ve been kinder to talk to him about it; to be honest about his feelings, instead of hiding from them and from Judai.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ...This was the greatest pain, aside from the confusion, grief, and loss following; Misawa either hadn’t trusted Judai enough to hold his concerns and pain, or Judai wasn’t worthy of holding them along with him.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“When did you decide to take on the entire burden alone? Why wouldn’t you let me help you? ...Didn’t you trust me?” Judai asked aloud, and at hearing his own voice, was brought out of his memory tunnel. </p><p> </p><p>He was still sitting at the table. His dishes were clear and his cellphone was a companion beside him. He was still in Misawa’s clean, well-kept apartment. </p><p>He wondered if Misawa’s room was the same (it hadn’t been back then--he had a habit of scribbling all over his walls with reckless abandon, which Judai found endearing about how messy he actually was), and while he knew it was rude to peek into people’s private things, he figured he might find answers. </p><p> </p><p>So, after he cleaned the dishes he’d used for his breakfast, he moved from the kitchen and found the single bedroom that belonged to the man who kept so many secrets. </p><p> </p><p>Upon first glance, Judai noticed it was as neat and orderly as the rest of the place, and he growled in frustration. </p><p> </p><p>“You’ve <em>gotta </em>be kidding me. This isn’t like you at all, Misawa...” </p><p> </p><p>He began searching and peeking in various drawers, even under his bed--nothing out of the ordinary.<br/><br/>At last, he decided to check his closet situated across from his bed. </p><p> </p><p>There, he found a host of things--mostly clothes.  </p><p> </p><p>“Ahah! Here we go. Let’s see what you're hiding from everyone...”</p><p> </p><p>Judai went through the studious man’s closet, making commentary on the pieces as he went, all compliments. His face warmed at the thought of Misawa wearing some of the sharper-dressing pieces. </p><p> </p><p>At the back, he found something familiar; the Ra Yellow coat. </p><p> </p><p>“Well, well, look what we have here!” </p><p> </p><p>He pulled it off the hanger and held it out in front of him--unlike the other pieces, there was wear on it. </p><p> </p><p>“He’s a bit taller so he probably wouldn’t be able to wear it anymore,” Judai commented, slipping it over his shoulders--which, even as he’d leaned out over the years, the jacket was <em>still </em>too big for him. </p><p> </p><p>“Misawa from back then is still buffer than I am,” Judai pouted, bringing the jacket around himself and chanced a sniff.<br/><br/></p><p>Shockingly, it smelled like nothing. <em> That </em>was disappointing. </p><p> </p><p>He disrobed and put the coat back on its hanger, then knelt down to address the boxes--there were labels on them--old ones, by the looks of some of them, and Misawa had used masking tape to cover and relabel them. (Judai thought it was neat that Misawa had been able to reuse the boxes over the years.) One caught his eye, labeled, “precious things”. </p><p> </p><p>Judai only found one thing in it, though. A stack of photographs, tied by a rubber band. </p><p> </p><p>“Are these...?” Judai started, his heart jumping as he reached for them. </p><p> </p><p>“The photos Misawa took...these must be it.” </p><p> </p><p>Judai noted it was a small stack and removed the rubber band. He stood and sat on Misawa’s bed and he shuffled through them. </p><p> </p><p>“These are all of us...at Duel Academia...” </p><p> </p><p>He read the captions and comments on the backs of the ones that had them--including some of his own--which made him laugh.</p><p> </p><p>“I was a spaz back then...<em> wow</em>. How did Misawa and those guys put up with me? I’m surprised he said ‘yes’ to my confession!” </p><p> </p><p>Something he noticed was that Misawa wasn’t in many of the photos, with the exception of a few. Then, he saw the one at the end. </p><p> </p><p>It was a picture he'd taken with Misawa’s permission, of him and himself at some point during their trip back home. They were blushing with shy smiles on their faces. Judai remembered wanting to kiss him on the cheek at the last moment. </p><p> </p><p>In retrospect, he was glad he didn’t, and his heart lurched as he realized this photo was the last. </p><p> </p><p>Had Misawa never taken any pictures after? If he did, where were they? Why did his life ‘stop’ after he left Judai and Duel Academia? </p><p> </p><p>It was a harrowing, haunting statement. Combined with the lack of decor, emptiness, and life in his apartment, Judai came to the conclusion that Misawa really <em>had </em>ended his life--symbolically, anyway.<br/><br/>At least Judai had people to rely on after the fallout, and his life was a beautiful, chaotic, high-energy mess he wouldn’t trade for anything--well, except putting Misawa in it, obviously--but this...this cold, clean, sterile, dull, monotonous, strict existence was heartbreaking. There wasn’t any fun, joy, or color in it.</p><p> </p><p>He put the photos back in the box after re-attaching the rubber band, closed the closet door, and exited the room.<br/><br/></p><p>“I gotta do something about this.”<br/><br/>He checked his phone--the time was 10 AM. Misawa, based on his texts, usually didn’t get home until 6 or 7 PM. This would give Judai time to get decor, as well as dinner. Even though his head hurt like nothing else and he was sensitive to light due to his hangover, he was determined to bring color and happiness back into Misawa’s life. </p><p> </p><p>He texted Misawa before he left: ‘hey, getting some stuff for you--think of it as a gift for taking care of me ;D oh, and I’ll be getting food, 2! We have a lot to talk about (- 3 o) see u when u get home!” </p><p> </p><p>...</p><p> </p><p>Misawa received the text and read it during the lunchtime break. He nearly spat out his lunchtime decaf coffee. </p><p> </p><p>Again, Judai was <em>not </em>listening to him. </p><p> </p><p>He put his fingers to his forehead and sighed; remembering the university-wide joke about professors getting wrinkles before 30.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I’m going to start looking as wrinkled as the others if he doesn’t stop stressing me out. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Misawa took a few deep, meditative breaths, an image of ocean waves coming to his mind, and his shoulders untensed.</p><p> </p><p>He wondered if Judai remembered what he did, and that was why he was doing this.</p><p> </p><p>Misawa wouldn’t admit it, but it was a nice idea to have someone waiting for him back home and willing to do something nice for him after a long day. </p><p> </p><p>...</p><p> </p><p>“There we go! It looks better already.” </p><p> </p><p>Judai had hands on his hips with a big smile on his face, proud of himself for what he’d done in Misawa’s apartment.  </p><p> </p><p>He’d gotten decor in various colors--mostly greens and yellows since those were the colors Misawa had once worn back at Duel Academia. Judai had to admit; they went well with the white backdrop of the walls and neutral-colored furniture. </p><p> </p><p>He never thought of himself as the “interior designer” kind of guy, but he was proud of what he’d done--and hopefully, Misawa would appreciate it, too. </p><p> </p><p>Judai looked up in an address book--which, like his mother, Misawa kept in an empty cupboard--where the nearest sushi places were to the address, then made a ring of calls to each place to ask if they delivered. One did, and they told Judai it would be an hour’s wait before they could begin making the food, and a bit longer for delivery.<br/><br/></p><p>It was 5:00 by then, so Judai told them he would like to place an order. He ordered an assortment since he wasn’t sure what Misawa would like, and thus, began the waiting game. </p><p> </p><p>He freshened himself as best as he could--cursing himself for being a drunkard because he couldn’t get rid of the dark circles under his eyes, no matter how much or how cold of a damp cloth he put against them. </p><p> </p><p>“He looks so put-together and I’m a slob in comparison...I’ve gotta do better than this!” He chided himself as he did his hair. </p><p> </p><p>He hadn’t put this much effort into impressing someone in a long while. At least, not since his 2nd lover (the one after Misawa). Of course, he always looked fresh during the tournaments, but it was to maintain an image--not necessarily to make someone want him. </p><p> </p><p>Judai wanted to captivate Misawa, make him fall in love with him again. Sure, he wanted to be friends, but he at least wanted to put the idea in the other man’s head that it could be a possibility. Besides, Judai was single and wanted to look available. </p><p> </p><p>“Watch out, Daichi, I’m not gonna let up on ya!” He called to the mirror, doing his signature “Gotcha” at himself. </p><p> </p><p>As he waited, he thought about the ‘why’ of the situation.<br/><br/>Judai knew that, by all accounts, he <em>should </em>be angry, he <em>should </em>be bitter. He should be shouting all his frustration and heartache into Misawa’s face and watch him cry about it, yet...how <em>could </em>he be mad at him after all this time?<br/><br/>At some point, forgiveness had to be given, even though Misawa didn’t deserve it--yet Judai was choosing to, despite that. </p><p> </p><p>One might argue that he was an infatuated fool, acting on past feelings--and this was partially true, but otherwise, he'd tell them they’re wrong. Now, that didn’t mean he was <em>naive</em>. Far from it. He was going to be cautious but not so cautious nothing happened. Judai always took chances, and he was willing to take them again just for the chance to have Misawa in his life again--he’d missed him like he missed the sun on a stormy day.<br/><br/>Besides, he didn’t see the same Misawa from back then--the intelligent yet misled boy who’d made horrendous choices that had surely broken them both. Instead, Judai saw in that coffee shop on that fated day: a dignified, mature man who’d long grown through his immaturity and chosen a different path in life--and although it broke his heart that such a path had ripped them and their bond apart, it had been mended the day he met him; even more so when they’d been talking. Even now, whatever had occurred the night before had left Judai’s heart feeling easy like something had been lifted from his soul. </p><p><br/>Anyway, it was exhausting, being that angry and heartbroken. It’d taken its toll on him long enough. Misawa had let him in, both figuratively and literally--maybe he realized he’d been wrong?<br/><br/>Perhaps, with luck, they could have a fresh start; and tonight would be the first step toward that. Judai hoped Misawa would want this too, and Judai wasn’t one-sided in his feelings. It would be nothing short of embarrassing if he <em>was</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. The Evening Following</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Breathe...and smile! You're in the final stretch!! Let's goooooo!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Misawa’s anxieties mounted as he made his way home that night. Normally, he was happy and relieved to go home, but someone who’d once borne great importance in his life--who he’d also greatly hurt--was going to be waiting for him, and who knew what he’d planned for him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With a deep breath, he opened the door and quietly called, “I’m home.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He noticed his apartment had gone through a significant change; there was decor on the walls, the coffee table in the living room, and plants in the front windowsill. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He observed it all with horror and awe. Horror, because Judai had <em>clearly </em>done this. Awe, because he hadn’t known it was possible for his apartment to look this colorful and bright. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Welcome home!” Judai called back, popping his head out from the kitchen with a big smile, then stepped out as if presenting himself for inspection, fixing Misawa with a quietly fierce gaze.  <br/><br/><br/>Misawa swallowed reflexively. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Wow.  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa noticed right away, unlike last night, Judai was clean-looking and properly dressed--in a nice, bright red dress shirt (pinned up at the sleeves), and black jeans. His hair was clean and styled, and although he had a trace of the purple circles under them, those brown eyes shone brilliantly and handsomely. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He wasn’t sure what to say at first, because he was dumbstruck by how alluring Judai was--now that his presence wasn’t overpowered by alcohol. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Had he looked this radiant back then, too?  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa shook his head then looked around, continuing, “so...this is what you meant.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yup! Not to be rude, but this place was giving me the creeps with how bare and cold it was, so I got decorations. They’re mostly green and yellow because...well...” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Judai smiled sheepishly, bringing a hand behind his head and rubbing it, looking away from Misawa, “those are the colors I associate with you most.” </p>
<p><br/>Misawa recalled he <em>had </em>worn a green turtleneck under the Ra Yellow coat. He'd long outgrown that turtleneck, unfortunately. <br/><br/></p>
<p>“...thank you, Judai.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ahah, anyway,” Judai straightened his posture and gestured to the inside of the kitchen, “I got dinner for us, too. It’s sushi--and there’s green tea for us to have, after. I ordered a bunch of different kinds since I didn’t know what you would like and I didn’t want to interrupt you at work, but I’ll eat whatever you won’t take!” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa’s stomach suddenly ached at the prospect of food, and sushi sounded really good after a long day. <br/><br/><br/></p>
<p> </p>
<p>He shot Judai a smirk as he disrobed himself of his coat and satchel and put them on the coat rack closeby, “so, what’s this for, Judai? I told you, you weren’t beholden to me for helping you last night.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Judai laughed, “well, I thought I’d repay you anyway. Plus, it’d be a good time to finally catch up.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, right.” </p>
<p>Once they were situated and said their thanks over the meal, Misawa asked, “where did you get the 2nd chair? I didn’t have another one around.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ah, I took it from my apartment. That’s another thing I noticed--you don’t seem to have many people over? It’s so clean.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa looked over the spread, at least, what could fit on the table--apparently, Judai had ordered quite a bit. <br/><br/>His ears warmed at the thought of what must’ve been a costly meal, though Judai wasn’t perturbed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He wondered for a moment what <em>exactly </em>Judai made from tournament winnings since he always placed first. Misawa couldn’t imagine it was a meager amount, considering he’d likely spent thousands of yen on everything--from the decorations to the sushi meal they were having. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He wouldn’t dare ask though; he might seem ungrateful. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No, I don’t. The only people who visit are students sometimes, but they never stay longer than an hour or two. It’s usually for homework help, and this place acts as my office ‘after hours’.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Judai’s face burned at hearing the "hour or two" statement until it was followed up, and he internally sighed in relief. </p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> I need to get my head out of the gutter--Misawa isn’t </em>that <em>kind of guy! </em> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Got a girlfriend or anything?” Judai teased, eyeing Misawa. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He wouldn’t go to such great lengths <em>if </em>he wasn’t available. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa shook his head, a small flush touching the edges of his cheeks, “no. I...don’t really have the time for that. Professors are consistently single, you know.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, well...never heard of that!” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa nodded, eager to change the subject, “so...what did you want to talk about?” </p>
<p><br/>“...There’s no avoiding it, I guess,” Judai sighed after he finished a piece of sushi. <br/><br/>He put his chopsticks down and took a deep breath, then looked right at Misawa--who followed Judai’s lead--and asked soberly, “be honest: what did I do last night? There’s no way I did ‘nothing’. Plus, I could tell you were lying.” <br/><br/></p>
<p>A small, amused smile broke his sober expression, “you always make that <em> face </em> when you lie.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa cleared his throat, turning away. Judai remembered his little ‘tells’, even after all this time? </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Aw, are you blushing? I didn’t mean to make you feel bad,” Judai teased, which added to Misawa’s sheepishness. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He huffed, “no, I’m just hot.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He pulled at his collar to demonstrate--and to let the heat that’d gripped him escape. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Judai’s eyes flickered at the sight but returned to Misawa’s face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After a moment, Misawa finally broke his silence, “...yes, I lied. It was only to save both of us any embarrassment.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You say that, like I did something like jump in your lap and kiss you!” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa pursed his lips as he avoided Judai’s gaze. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Judai’s joking smile quickly faltered, “...oh. I did, didn’t I? Or something like it, anyway?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa cleared his throat and nodded, “yes, you did--but I don’t blame you. You were inebriated.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Judai grinned at Misawa, head resting in his chin with an elbow on the table, “did you enjoy it, at least?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa almost fell out of his seat at the question. <br/><br/><em> Judai really </em>is <em>different from back then, at least in this way! </em> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was far bolder and more...flirtatious? Misawa didn’t have much of a vocabulary to work with when it came to these kinds of things. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I--I don’t know anything about th-that.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re lying, but I’ll let it pass,” Judai chuckled and brought his elbow off the table. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Anyway, was there anything else?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa took a deep breath, concentrating on anything else but Judai as he gathered his thoughts. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well...yes, there was.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He took a pause as he figured out how best to say it; the recollections of what happened the night before coming to the forefront of his mind. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We talked...about the past. Why I did what I did.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Judai leaned forward. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa took another deep breath, exhaling with eyes closed, “at some point, I asked if you would like to start over, despite my screwing everything up, and you told me ‘yes’. Now that you’re sober, I was wondering if...” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He faced Judai again, looking right into his eyes and baring honesty from his heart, “if you would like to...I know I messed everything up back then. I was an idiot, I didn’t know what else to do...” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Judai frowned, “yeah, you were. It hurt, but the thing that sucked most was you <em>not </em>talking to me about it. If you wanted to break up, you could’ve at <em> least </em> told me, instead of cutting me off--and by the way, it was really crappy I had to find out through your <em> mother</em>.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa bowed his head in shame, “I know, I know. Judai...I didn’t <em>want </em>to break up, but I felt like I <em> had </em>to. I wanted to be with you, too--why was I crying at the station? Why I screamed I--” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He shut his mouth. He wouldn’t say the words now--it was too intimate; far more than was appropriate. It hadn’t been appropriate at the time, either. <br/><br/></p>
<p>Judai’s lips sidled, “what your logic was behind it? You’re a <em> smart guy</em>, Misawa...I think you would’ve figured something out?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa snapped, “it’s a <em> bit </em> hard to be <em> logical </em> when people are <em> tormenting </em> you left and right, and your then-boyfriend barely notices you’re hurting because of it--in fact, <em> adding </em> to it at some points by asking stupid questions like, ‘I wonder if they know?’"<br/><br/>He regarded Judai with a knitted brow, "how <em> could </em>I have been logical in that situation, Judai?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Recognizing his anger, he sighed, turning away, “...I’m sorry. I don’t mean to do this; not after all this time.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Judai refrained from speaking until Misawa was done. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t want to be angry about this anymore. I’m exhausted. I’ve spent 5 years bitter about <em>everything</em>. About your success as a duelist, that I had to leave Duel Academia because everyone apparently hated me--or hated that I was with you, I don’t know--that I was meant to <em> lie </em> to not just myself, but <em> everyone else, </em> that I’d fallen in love with a guy, that I had to end what we had...endless pain, anger, sorrow, and bitterness on top of each other.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He faced Judai, heart beating wildly, “I just want my friend back. I want you to call me ‘Misawy’ again. I want...” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The words tumbled and caught in his throat.</p>
<p>In that admittance, a hardness that’d built, the layers of painful emotions and thoughts he'd been carrying, melted away. It left him soft and vulnerable like he’d been back then before the world got ahold of him. <br/><br/>Misawa fought back tears, silently chiding himself not to cry; mostly because he was sick of crying. He would rather laugh and smile for Judai, than cry. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Judai’s face broke from neutral, to empathy--eyes filled with pure understanding and affection, “Mis--Misawy...I...”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He wasn’t sure how to respond.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In his head, until recently, Misawa had been a villain. Someone to yell at in his dreams, to the sky, to the ocean. Like him, he’d shared his own anger and grief, but now; seeing Misawa like this; all the grief, sorrow, and agony the decision had obviously put him through...he couldn’t bring himself to be angry or upset at him anymore. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He wanted to hold Misawa, tell him he forgave him and that he was also sorry for his own blunders in this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Whether he'd intended to or not, he was as responsible for their fallout as Misawa was.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Judai, after a bit, was finally able to form words, “I’d ignored your cries back then, so you felt the need to carry the burden alone...I kinda remember you telling me about how people were being mean to you, saying awful things that made you angry, but...I didn’t think anything about it. I’m so sorry for what I did back then, and I’m sorry I wasn’t trustworthy.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>His own sense of relief washed over him as if the burden of all those years of agony and darkness were lifted. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa shook his head, resisting the urge to sniffle, “I didn’t tell you well enough. I wasn’t even sure you would’ve been any help if I’d asked for it...you were acting more simply, the way someone would when they’re in love--you wanted everyone to know and you were...proud of it. Of me. Of...<em>us</em>.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was weird to hear himself say it out loud; even weirder to hear the word "us" used in such a context.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I was. I still am, I think. I mean, you became someone I could never hope to be! A professor; the smart guy at the front of the room who tells everyone what to do.” Judai beamed, laughing. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa wiped away the lingering tears in his eyes, sharing a chuckle of his own, “It’s not a huge accomplishment. Not like Pro Dueling.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Speaking of that, I wish you would’ve stuck around. I get why you did it, but it still sucked when I graduated, because you weren’t there,” Judai picked his chopsticks back up, resuming their nearly forgotten meal. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa sighed, “I know. I’m sorry. It was hard for me to adjust to the fact that I wasn’t going to be dueling anymore.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Do you still have your deck?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No...I don’t. I got rid of all my cards shortly after all that,” Misawa’s chest ached as he said the words, remembering how <em>hard </em>it’d been to cut himself off from anything Dueling-related. It’d been to, in his young mind, prevent him from thinking of going back again, because his place wasn’t in that world anymore. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He loved it with all his heart, and he’d garnered similar feelings for Judai, but the two were too closely related for him to divorce them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Judai’s brow knitted with eyes low, “...man, I don’t know what I’d do without my deck. I can’t even imagine what that’s like.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Like cutting off your own arm,” Misawa frowned. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>There was a moment of silence before Judai piped up, “hey, if you wanted...since you don’t hate it--or me--anymore, you could get your cards back? We could duel for fun; no stakes.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa considered it, and at the thought of holding cards again--facing Judai...something stirred in his being. Something long-dormant. <br/><br/>'Duelist Pride'. That flame of passion never extinguished, no matter how small the embers became. </p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> Could </em>he be like that again? </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa eyed Judai with a spark in his eyes, which made Judai shiver. He recognized that flicker when he saw it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I think I’d like that.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Judai returned the gaze, smiling, “that’s what I like to see.” <br/><br/>He kicked his legs a little, barely able to sit still, “I’m so pumped now! I can’t wait until we duel.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa chuckled, finishing his part of the meal. <br/><br/>"It's going to be a while, yet." </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It felt like old times again, but with something clearly different this time; maybe it was because they were older and more mature, or that there wasn’t a barrier of bitterness and hurt between them any longer? </p>
<p> </p>
<p>In any case, Misawa was glad to be present at that moment, despite everything that had happened up until then. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>As for Judai, he was ecstatic at the prospect of having Misawa in his life again--and the possibility of dueling him. <br/><br/>Maybe one day they could be like that again...like how they were back at Duel Academia...but for now, this would do fine. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He would show his interest at any opportunity where it was appropriate, but it would be up to Misawa to return them if he chose.<br/><br/>Now, nothing would stand between them--well, except the clamor of students who needed Misawa’s attention in one way or another, or Judai’s intimidating fanbase...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“By the way, what do you do when the season is over? Wait for the next one?” Misawa asked as they shared a cup of green tea, sitting in the living room. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Judai nodded, “basically. It takes as long as there is a summer break for the roster and events to be organized. So, that means I’m <em> all </em>yours.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’d lidded his eyes and gave a hopefully flirtatious smirk, hoping the joke and intention would land. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa shivered at the way Judai said it, averting his eyes as he took a sip of his tea, “well...I can’t promise anything entertaining. As of right now, finals are fast approaching, so I’ll be in a grind like the students.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He smiled as he continued, “we professors call it “Hell Week”, because we spend two weeks working as hard as the students, and sometimes we have embarrassing moments like showing up to our classes wearing our shirts backward or inside-out, or forgetting basic materials needed to teach a class.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The former example had been him once, during the first week out of two of his first “Hell Week”. He hadn’t known it until one of the other professors notified him during their brief lunch break.<br/>It’d been mortifying, to say the least. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>From that day on, he always checked his appearance for any flaws and never left the house until he was free of ‘wardrobe malfunctions’. This contributed to his ‘pristine’ way of dressing--something he was proud of. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was ironic since he’d once touted the philosophy that “looks aren’t everything”. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>To a degree, he still believed it, but in a profession like his, an appearance was a priority. It reflected the quality of his capability as a professor, and of the university itself. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sounds entertaining,” Judai commented, taking a sip of his tea. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ah...anyway, as I was saying, I won’t have much time to spend with you if you wanted to.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Then I’ll help you through your “Hell Week”! I’ll get food, do massages, whatever.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa shook his head, “it’s not necessary. During this time, some of the other professors and I stay at the school until late at night, working in the same room so we don’t feel alone in the endeavor.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Aw...” Judai whined, “I was hoping I could take care of you, at least a <em> little</em>...” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa’s breath caught in his throat. Did Judai mean that? </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He remembered back at Duel Academia that Judai had acted as a support, too--though he was usually more of a distraction than a help. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t mean to be rude, but I can’t be distracted too often. Yes, I enjoyed--<em> enjoy </em>--your company, but I hope you understand this isn’t like back then.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I get it, Misawy. I wouldn’t let you go through anything like that alone. Not anymore, at least. If you need me to step out when things get intense, tell me. I can take it--I’m not a young guy anymore who can’t handle rejection!” </p>
<p>He rubbed the back of his head, a small tint of pink on the edges of his cheeks making an appearance. </p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> Well...that's not true when you’re drunk, </em>Misawa mused. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa chuckled, taking a generous sip of tea, “besides, I’m sure you could think of better things to do in your spare time than play ‘mother’ to me.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Nah. You took care of me back then so now I can repay the favor.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa’s heart leaped. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Judai, although he was basically the same, had gained a lot of selflessness and kindness. The immaturity Misawa had found frustrating was all but absent in him now--with the exception of being overly honest, which instead of irritating him, made him blush. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’ve...really changed,” Misawa murmured as he regarded Judai, who decided he’d had enough tea and put the cup on the table between them. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Judai cocked his head, “You think so? I don’t think I’ve changed much. Well, except drinking until I’m falling over at bars after every tournament ends...and then I do stupid things.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He amended, playing with the cup between his palm, “except when I showed up on your doorstep...<em>that’s</em> been the best decision I ever made while drunk out of my mind.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He shot Misawa a smile, and Misawa grinned, “you made for a rather adorable drunk.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Don’t go and say that! It’s embarrassing,” Judai huffed, pouting.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa laughed and sipped his green tea, “it’s true, though. I had to--” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ahhhh! No! I don’t wanna hear it!” Judai covered his ears, though he was smiling. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Misawa shook his head, laughter rumbling from his chest. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>When was the last time he laughed, genuinely and <em>happy </em>like this? He couldn’t remember, but it was a wonderful feeling--and Judai had brought it out in him.</p>
<p><br/>Perhaps it <em>was </em>the best decision they’d ever made.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>50 Google Docs pages, 3 months, and so many tears later (damnit Chapter 4!), this magnum opus is completed! <br/>Please note that there will be more pieces that have to do with these two and their future adventures! <br/>The series is called "The "Bittersweet" Saga" (as, I expect there to be multiple pieces; some, shorter than others), so if you're invested, consider Subscribing!</p>
<p>Big, big, BIG thank you to @Life_0r_Death and @irish_macaroon for encouraging me and always leaving wonderful, meaty, lovely comments!! Because of you two, I was able to explore the piece a bit more and add what was sorely missing in a few places (hello, Judai talking about how he forgave Misawa)! </p>
<p>This piece held a lot of "me" in it, whether it was talking about Misawa making the decision to cut Judai out of his life, or Judai processing relationship trauma, and so to have those parts of me validated with such beautiful, positive words really made a huge difference! </p>
<p>Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and I look forward to writing more for these guys in the scope of this fic canon~</p>
<p>Peace!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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